life is good (joshler)
by probablyshippingit
Summary: tyler just got out of high school, planning to move on and do bigger and better things. he's got amazing friends, and is majoring in something he really liked. he thought college would be easier than high school, but was he wrong. he's just trying to survive. cramming for exams and staying up until five in the morning was not on his agenda. neither was meeting josh.
1. cramming

holy shit, this was crazy.

i was cramming for my exam tomorrow, silently cursing myself that i didn't study earlier. i had the whole week, but nope. i gave in to my friends and ended up being dragged to frat parties all around campus. i wasn't into all the buff and sweaty jocks that joined frats, and you _definitely_ wouldn't catch me risking my life to get into one.

i've seen the movies, and i know that when they tell you to go into a cemetery for the night, you're not coming back out.

my hand was cramping up from writing all these notes in my messy notebook, my sloppy handwriting inked onto the page. i shook my hand, as if that would help me, and decided i needed a break. i looked at the clock, groaning when it read 2am. i have to get up in seven hours, but knowing me, i wouldn't go to sleep until five.

i got up from my rollie chair and went into my kitchen. i still had leftover takeout from around eleven when i had it, so why not? i took the rest of the lo mien, not bothering to heat it up. i grimaced, the noodles were cold and hard.

whatever.

i sat down for about thirty minutes, feeling my eyelids get heavier and heavier by the second. i _really_ needed to finish these notes. if i'm being honest, school is kicking my ass and i don't know if i'm going to be able to survive. i'm sure i was dying of stress, and this stuffy apartment wasn't helping. i needed to go somewhere else, maybe clear my mind. this apartment just reminded me of my responsibilities, so i grabbed my books and pencils.

i quietly opened my front door, peeking my head out to see if there were any residential assistants swarming around. they were pretty friendly, but there was one who scared me. he looked thirty, _at least,_ giant arm muscles and a full fledged beard. his voice sounded like satan, and if you didn't see him and heard it, you'd want to go to church the next day. he had to have been a lumberjack in his past life.

i tried my best to walk down the hallway as silently as i could, not wanting to disturb anyone at this time of day. i closed the door to the stairway, tiptoeing to the exit door before jogging up the four flights of stairs. i really wanted to take the elevator, because _man,_ were my legs killing me. but it was small and creaky, and i didn't want to have firemen come and pull me out of it if it crashed.

i shivered slightly as i felt the wind hit me, the chilly night's air wrapping me in a cold coat. i should've brought a sweater, but i only had fuzzy socks on my feet and a t-shirt on. wearing boxers wasn't a good idea, either. i looked up at the creamy moon shining down on the city, lights speckling the black buildings. i walked up to the ledge of the roof, looking down at the road. a few cars would pass by, either on their way to work, the airport, or maybe they were trying to escape something, too.

i was careful, but i set my books on the ledge and climbed on it, letting my legs hang down from the roof as i continued writing in my notebook. this was better, i liked feeling free and being able to see something other than the plain, white walls of my apartment. the wind blew, causing my papers to flap in the wind and my boxers to ripple against my legs, goosebumps littering my skin.

i sighed, focusing on the quietness and continued to write down notes in my book.

i liked the roof.

i felt motivation flood through my mind, creating a mantra in my head to keep me from jumping off of this ledge. i scribbled around three pages in my notebook before i felt sleepiness overtake me, my eyelids struggling to stay open.

when i finally decided that i had studied enough, my phone read 4:53am.

oh, cool; i was seven minutes under my bedtime.

i trudged to the door that led to the stairway, almost falling down a flight because i misjudged my step. i could barely see, my eyelids creating shadows on the top and bottom of my vision. all i could think about was the blessing that is my bed. i couldn't _wait_ to snuggle into the warm bedsheets, my body sinking into the soft mattress as i drifted into sleep. i sighed, going back into my unlocked apartment before throwing my books across the room and collapsing on my bed. i didn't even care that i'd have to clean up the scattered papers on the floor.

i just hoped i didn't fail tomorrow.


	2. oh, boy

"you look like shit." brendon said, eating a handful of frosted flakes. i grimaced, who eats dry cereal? **(A.N. me)**

"i was up until four." i gave him a deadpanned look, too tired to say anything else.

"were you cramming for mayer's exam?"

i nodded slowly. he pulled my hoodie over my head for me when he saw me shut my eyes, trying to take a tiny nap.

"sweet dreams, ty." he patted my cheek.

i swatted his hand away, shooting him a playful look and rested my head in my hands. fuck, i was so tired. i don't even remember the answers i bubbled in for the exam, all i knew was that i erased several answers because they were the same letter three times in a row, and usually that means it's wrong. brendon poked my cheek, trying to wake me up again.

"tyler, stop sleeping. i'm bored." he frowned.

i hummed, turning my head away from his hand. he poked my head, tugging on my fluffy hair.

"tyler." he whined.

"no."

"please?"

"no."

"okay, well i'm going to continue eating this cereal. by myself. alone. with no one to talk to." he sighed dramatically, trying to guilt trip me into waking up.

i felt someone poke my shoulder, and i hummed again.

"hey, sir? did you go to sleep late last night?"

what the hell?

who's voice was this?

i couldn't place my finger on who was talking to me. i turned around to meet him, coming face to face with a _really_ attractive guy. i've never met him before in my life, as i would've recognized black gauges and a silver nose ring from anywhere. he seemed to be one of those people who looked hard on the outside, but he was probably easier to open up to than most. i actually kind of wanted to be friends with him from first glance.

"yeah." i sighed, propping my head up on my hand, trying not to overthink. this guy was hot, and i didn't want to ruin my chances of him ever talking to me again.

"do you want a red bull or something?" he offered.

"i didn't bring any money." i pouted.

"that's why i'm here, duh." the guy smiled, pulling out a green dollar and going to the vending machine in the corner of the cafeteria, purchasing a red bull for me.

he came back, handing me the blue and grey can. he smiled again as i took it.

"thank you."

"anytime. i'm josh, by the way."

 _josh._ i liked the way it sounded when he said it.

"tyler."

"brendon." brendon said, nodding his head at josh.

josh returned it, walking off.

"whoa, eye candy." brendon raised his eyebrows twice at me, smirking.

"i mean..." i looked up at the ceiling in mock thought, sipping the cold energy drink.

josh was beautiful. he had both chiseled and soft features, a voice that sounded like warm honey, and the prettiest smile to accompany the _prettiest_ laugh. his partner sure is lucky.

"i'm going to set you two up." brendon said, leaning on the table and looking at me with an overjoyed smile on his face. it actually scared me at how excited brendon was over this.

"no! i don't even know if he's single." i tried to dispose the idea, not wanting josh to get the idea.

"there's only one way to find out." he smirked.

"brendon, i swear if you-"

"josh!" brendon called him over from across the cafeteria, receiving looks and causing me to blush in embarrassment.

i hid my face in my hands, covering my cheeks as josh looked at us when his name was being called. should i duck so he doesn't see me? act normal like my asshole friend didn't just scream his name out to try and set us up? brendon gestured for him to come over, and he did. my heart sped up at what brendon could blurt out. i didn't want josh to know i was interested! he would probably think i was thirsty and-

"are you single?" brendon outright asked, turning so he was facing josh on his side of the table.

 _oh god, take me now._

"i am." my heart jumped in my throat as he flicked his hazel eyes at me, smiling slightly as brendon continued talking.

"do you like boys or girls?" brendon squinted at josh.

why was he so straight forward?

"everyone." josh shrugged.

i internally sighed in relief, i had a shot at this.

"so would you consider dating a boy specifically, getting married, all that mushy-gushy shit?" brendon asked.

josh smiled awkwardly, nodding his head.

"okay, thank you. bye." brendon waved.

josh waved back hesitantly, walking back to where he was in the first place.

"i honestly hate you so much." i said, blushing furiously.

"you love me. you're welcome, too. he's pan _and_ he's single. and hey! so are you!" he said, poking my chest.

i shot him a look.

"come on," he dragged out, "what's there not to love? you're cute, look at these cheeks." brendon lightly squeezed my cheek, causing me to smile.

i swatted his hand away, laughing at him. i'll have to admit, i was thankful that he got that out of josh, i wouldn't have ever been able to ask him that myself.

okay, maybe i _didn't_ hate brendon so much.

...

i looked up from the textbook when i heard a knock on the door.

i peeked through the peephole, my eyes going wide as i recognized the pink hair and gauges. what is he doing here? did i do something wrong? who other than brendon would visit me voluntarily? he's probably working for someone to embarrass me. someone probably set me up and there was hell no way i am stepping foot out this apartment.

he knocked again and i jumped, snapping me out of my thoughts. i smoothened out my shirt, opening the door for him.

"tyler?"

"i only went up to the roof last night, that's it!" i rambled, my thoughts spilling out of my mouth when i remembered he was an r.a. and i wasn't supposed to be on the roof at night.

josh squinted at me, giving me a confused look. "what?"

"nothing." i said quickly.

"okay...uh, i just came to ask you if you were free tonight." josh said politely, his hands in his pockets as he looked at the ground.

"what?"

is this a joke?

"well...yeah. brendon said that you like going out on fridays. so, can i take you out?" he asked, smiling slightly.

brendon had something to do with this? there must be something else. brendon was a trickster, and his idea of setting someone up is one out of two things, both of them possibly dangerous. i didn't question it, though, there was a pretty guy out here asking me out right now.

nice.

"um, sure! let's go out tonight. where to?" i asked, my palms slightly clammy as i realized that i'd be hanging out with josh. _by myself._

"my apartment is right across from yours."

 _oh, boy._

...

josh led me to his apartment, which was much cleaner and more organized than mine. he had no clothes strewn on the floor, nothing was out of place, and he even had a bowl of fruit on his gleaming countertop.

"do you want food?" he asked.

 _silly josh. i always want food._

"yeah, food would be nice."

"okay, i'm going to make you dinner. help yourself to anything you want." josh gestured to his kitchen, then practically ran to it to make food.

i didn't know he would cook, though. i didn't want him to go through all of that trouble when we could've easily gone to a diner or something.

"josh, are you sure? we could go out?"

"nope, i like cooking, i don't mind. do _you_ want to go out?" he called from the kitchen.

"no." i said honestly.

"okay."

i sat down on the couch and looked at my hands, debating between whether or not i should watch his television. i glanced at the remote, taking up his offer to help myself, and turned it on. it was already showing spongebob, so i left it on there and laughed at the dumb things he did. it was one of the old shows, and it was definitely funnier.

josh called out from the kitchen every so often, just to make sure i was still there. i got to know him a little, though. i was kind of freaked out when i remembered he was an r.a. at first, but calmed down after he said he just takes naps in the lounge when it's his shift.

"dinner is served, _monsieur."_ josh said, carrying two plates of spaghetti to the living room.

it looked fucking amazing. like, not even restaurants could top this.

"would you like anything to drink? red bull, water, sparkling cider?"

"you have sparkling cider?"

"no, i just said that to impress you." josh smiled, coming back with two cans of red bull, already knowing me enough.

the television was forgotten about, and soon josh and i found ourselves having a full-fledged conversation. no awkward silences, just laughs and talking. he was so easy to talk to, and i was so relieved that he wasn't offended easily. i make a lot of jokes, sometimes a _little_ too many.

i had just calmed down from a laughing fit at a joke josh said, my stomach hurting and my eyes tearing up.

"i just got abs." josh remarked, holding onto his abdomen.

"don't you already have abs?"

"...you want to see them?" josh sent me a smirk, making my cheeks heat up again for the millionth time since i was with him.

why did this guy make me blush so much? i'll look like a red crayon if he keeps this up.

"no!" i hid my face in my hands, trying to not let him see my embarrassment.

my stomach filled with butterflies when his laugh filled my ears, causing a smile to crack through my features.

"what time is it?" josh asked, looking around the room for a clock.

i pulled out my phone and looked at the time.

"11:11. make a wish!" i said.

josh nodded, closing his eyes and crossing his fingers. i did the same, crossing my pointer over my middle and making a wish that i kind of, _maybe_ hoped came true.

just maybe.


	3. parties

i woke up to my blaring alarm clock, pushing the button on top for it to shut the fuck up, and going back to sleep. it was saturday today, but i could never figure out how to set my alarm for weekdays only. oh, well.

the only bad thing is i couldn't go back to sleep no matter how hard i tried, and none of my friends would be awake at 8am on a saturday.

well, maybe one person.

i got out of bed, rubbing the sleep out of my eyes and blinking to restore my blurry vision. sunlight was casting shadows on my carpet, allowing me to see the specks of dust floating through the air. when i actually thought about it, it was gross having so much dust everywhere, but the sunlight looked pretty as it bounced off the specks and i couldn't complain.

i went over to my door, checking if josh's door was cracked slightly or something, just a sign to tell me he was awake. the halls were empty right now, silence creeping through the complex like a virus. i focused on the room across from me, and almost tripped over a giant box outside of my apartment, catching myself on the door frame. i looked around the hall for anyone running away or making sure i got the box, but it was no one.

i read the piece of notebook paper that was fastened onto it with scotch tape.

 _dear tyler,_

 _i know you're tired from school, so i went out and bought these for you. hopefully, you are able to use them. stay awake, i want to see you today. my room door is open :)_

 _-josh_

i carefully opened the package, and inside were red bull cans stacked neatly to the top of one another. no wonder it was so heavy. i'd be sure to thank josh for these, the good lord knows i needed them. i dragged the box into my room, shutting the door and just putting it into my fridge after _much_ effort. the good lord _also_ knows that i would not be putting these individual cans there, it's too much work.

i took a shower, putting on those weirdly patterned leggings that brendon decided would be hilarious to get me for my birthday. i acted like i hated them, but they were actually quite comfortable and i liked them a lot, but brendon doesn't need to know that. i picked up a pink shirt that was on the floor, putting that on and a flowery kimono over it. i didn't give a shit about gender roles, this was a comfy outfit and whoever wants to make fun of me can, i don't care.

besides, it was clean.

i knocked on josh's door, going inside after a few seconds to make sure he wasn't doing anything strange when i went in. you never know.

instead, he had thick rimmed glasses resting on his nose and he was holding a pen in his hand, clearly studying.

"oh, sorry. i didn't know you were studying." i said, prepared to leave.

"no, it's okay. i see you got my package." he glanced at the red bull that i had in my hands.

hey, if it was there, i'm going to drink it.

"you look cute." i blurted out, surprising myself. but it wasn't a lie. he had on the glasses, his messy hair covered by an oversized, black hoodie that went past his hands.

"so do you. i like your leggings." he said, smiling wider.

i returned the expression, closing the door of josh's room and going over to his desk.

"do you need help studying?" i asked.

"no, i need a break. do you want to go out?" josh asked.

"not really."

"good, because i wanted to stay here."

"netflix and chill?" i joked.

josh smirked at me, raising his eyebrows. i rolled my eyes at him, shaking my head and plopping on his couch, loving the way my body sunk down into it like it was a marshmallow. i picked out a romance movie, because why not? josh and i were on a kind-of-but-not-really date right now, it was fitting.

he came over to me, his glasses gleaming in the dim lights of his apartment. he grabbed the blanket that draped over the couch, covering us both with it and turning his attention to the television. i felt a weight on my shoulder and noticed he was leaning on me, and i smiled at the familiar fluttering feeling in my chest. about halfway through, josh ended up falling asleep, soft snores escaping his body. i sat there awkwardly, now being the only one in the apartment. he was probably tired from studying all day.

i carefully shifted beneath him, deciding i would go the roof for a few minutes. i set him down on the couch, tucking him in underneath the blanket. i noticed he half-frowned in his sleep at the loss of contact, but i made my way to the roof anyway. it was 10:40 now, and i had nothing to do, so i sat down on the ledge of the roof and kicked my feet back and forth.

i sometimes wondered what it would be like if i let myself fall off of this thing.

i wasn't suicidal, i wasn't depressed, and i wasn't _that_ curious to know what it would be like. i still imagined it, though. i decided it would be safer if i _wasn't_ so close to the edge, so i scooted back a little and sat crisscross-applesauce, watching the black birds fly in the sky and perch on the telephone wires that lined the streets. cars were parked up and down the roads, me guessing there were people renting homes behind the buildings that were scattered around the town.

i breathed in deeply, enjoying the fresh air. this is definitely what i needed. i ended up laying down, me being too lazy to keep sitting up, and closed my eyes – just to let myself relax.

i heard the door to the roof open, my eyes blowing wide and my vision blurry. i wasn't _technically_ supposed to be here.

"hey, what are you doing?" _satan._

"nothing, i was just leaving." i said, jumping off of the ledge onto the roof, walking _fast_ past the devil and making it back into josh's room instead of mine, me not really wanting to have to deal with my stress just yet. i saw josh shift at the noise the door created when i shut it, holding my breath, as disturbing him was the last thing i wanted to do. i sighed when he ended up stirring anyways.

"tyler?" josh's voice was a little deeper.

"yeah?"

"did you leave? i'm sorry for falling asleep on you." he said, blushing slightly.

"no, don't worry. and yeah, i left for a few minutes. the r.a. caught me, though."

"a few minutes? tyler, it's 2pm now."

 _what? how?_

time passed too quickly for my liking.

"are you hungry?" he asked me.

 _josh, i'm always hungry. you know this._

"not really." i said quickly, not wanting him to get up and make food right now. he looked like he was comfortable being wrapped up in the blankets, like a burrito.

my stomach must hate me, because right after i said that, it growled loudly. i grimaced as i felt the emptiness and vibrations throughout my stomach.

he shot me a knowing look, getting up and going to the kitchen. why does this guy keep making food for me?

my ears picked up wooden cabinets opening and closing, as well as water running from the faucet and the clinking of fine china on the counter. he returned a few minutes later with a sandwich. green lettuce was poking out of it, and i thought it was ham in between the bread, too. i couldn't really tell sliced meats apart. he held the plate out to me, smiling slightly.

i looked at him, and he gestured for me to take it, so i did.

"thank you, josh." i said.

he was too nice.

we sat down on his couch, watching another old episode of spongebob while i ate my sandwich and he was snacking on a bag of lays. this sandwich was really good, but i wasn't surprised, considering josh made it.

i looked around and noticed a picture frame of josh and another girl. she looked almost exactly like him, except for the eyes. hers were a little lighter.

"that's my sister." he suddenly said, looking at the picture frame as well.

"oh." i looked to him, kind of embarrassed that i was caught sort-of-snooping. "are you guys twins?"

"yeah, we are. she's the only one i have left at this point." he furrowed his eyebrows, looking at the floor as a memory seemed to come back to him.

"what happened, if you don't mind me asking?" i turned my body so that it was facing him.

"my family is super religious. so religious that they would kick their own kids out of their house and never talk to them again. i had a boyfriend at that time, dean, and i told them about him. my sister said that if i was leaving, then she was leaving, too. that's how we found ourselves living in a box for about a year after our junior year. people are very generous, though, and we were able to get a little bit of money to stay alive."

"did they ever physically hurt you?" i asked, wanting to know more.

"oh, you don't know the half of the abuse. my father once made me go to school with two black eyes and a broken arm. stuff like that happened everyday, and i was so thankful my sister was willing to run away with me.

"i'm sorry, josh."

"nah, don't be." he shooed a hand. "i'd rather be with my sister than my freaky parents. whatever."

"wait, but how are you two in college right now?"

"we were both able to get scholarships. her specialty is photography, and i'm an art major." he said.

"can i see your art?" i asked.

"sure." he got up from the couch, lending me his hand.

i took it, and he led me to the guest bedroom, slightly nervous that i was holding josh's hand. i wondered why we didn't do this more often. the bedroom didn't have a bed, though. in fact, it was renovated to become a studio. on the walls, there were framed photos of everything from nature, to who i guessed was josh's friend posing for one. she was very pretty.

there was a messy easel in the corner, the wood saturated with different splotches of paint. josh was working on something, the canvas streaked with reds and purples and yellows, coming together in a beautiful painting. it looked like a sunset, but then again, it didn't. there were large sheets of wax paper laid out in the middle of the floor, unlit candles in various spots of the room.

"i didn't know you were an art major. this is beautiful." i said, looking at the walls in which hung framed paintings.

"thank you. i don't really show anyone this, but i just wanted you to see it." he ran a hand through his hair.

"well, thank you for letting me see it."

we then spent the rest of the day watching television and talking. i really liked talking to josh, he had an amazing personality. i learned that he was turning twenty two in june, and he was shocked that i was only eighteen. it was 6pm now, me realizing that i almost spent the entire day with him.

"i should probably go. thank you for hanging out with me, josh."

"no problem. i'll see you tomorrow?" he asked.

i nodded, leaving the room. i went back to my own, sitting on the couch and glancing at the open textbook that was on the table. should i study a week early, or should i procrastinate and cram the night before? i closed it, making a face and pouting. i had nothing else to do for the night, so i decided to watch netflix. there was the show about the jail ladies that i really wanted to see.

just as i was about to plug in my headphones, i heard a really loud knock on the door, and groaned. only brendon knocks that way.

"what, bren?" i asked through the living room.

"we're having a lit rave at jon's house. wanna come with?" he asked.

"no."

"but tyler..." he whined. "there's going to be hot guys there for you."

"i already have a hot guy, thank you."

"what the fuck? let me in!"

i sighed, getting up from the couch and opening the door for brendon. he stood in the doorway in black skinny jeans and a red shirt.

"you have a hot guy?"

"yes."

"who?"

"the one who you embarrassed in the cafeteria." i said, shooting him a look.

"oh, josh!"

"yeah." i dragged out.

"you sure you don't want to go to the frat party?" he asked.

i looked behind his shoulder when i heard a door open to see josh coming out of his apartment dressed in a snapback and a tight, black t-shirt, as well as black jeans. he shot me a small smile and turned to lock his door, putting the key in his pocket.

"are you coming to the party?" he asked.

brendon pursed his lips and looked at me. "no, tyler d-"

"yes! we are. i'll see you there." i cut brendon off. okay, the frat party seemed fun. i'll go to this one.

"sure thing. bye, ty."

brendon watched josh leave, then he turned to me.

"dude, you're so whipped!"

"shut up! i'm going to change!"

brendon followed me into my apartment, throwing himself on the couch.

"what should i wear?" i asked from my open bedroom door.

"something cute. you want to impress josh, don't you?"

"no."

 _yes._

"mmkay." brendon rolled his eyes, stretching his arms above his head.

i finally did find something to wear, a black and white button up and black jeans. i threw on my black vans by the door and left with brendon.

"here, wear this." he pulled out a small bottle filled with what i assumed was cologne and sprayed it on my neck.

"it got in my mouth." i made a face and coughed, the perfume tasting really nasty.

"well, at least you smell good."

it was then when i wondered if brendon was actually trying to kill me by spraying poison in my throat. he opened the door to jon's apartment, loud music blasting and people holding cups filled with what i assumed was druggy punch.

brendon greeted some of his friends, and i greeted one of mine, pete engulfing me in a hug.

"tyler! i haven't seen you since forever ago!" pete said, a few stands of blonde hair exposed from his beanie clad head.

"pete, we just had class yesterday." i said, smiling slightly.

"you're no fun." he pouted, sipping his druggy punch.

i felt a hand on my waist, getting ready to tell that drunk guy to stop touching me, but caught myself with words stuck in my throat when i saw it was josh.

"hi, tyler." he smiled, adorable creases forming by his eyes and his dimples lightly pressed into his cheeks.

"hey, josh." i smiled back at him, his bright eyes making it impossible not to.

"do you want?" he had a red bull in his hand, offering it to me.

"josh, i'm not _that_ addicted to red bull." i glanced at him for a few seconds when he shot me a knowing look, taking the drink anyway.

"where's brendon?"

"brendon is...i don't know where." i searched for him through the crowd of people, but couldn't find the floppy hair that is my friend.

i shrugged.

brendon never got himself into trouble, but i wouldn't be surprised to see him drunk and dancing on the counter at some point. josh looked at me, his hazel eyes darting back and forth as he examined my face with a small smile. what was he doing? i forgot what i was going to say now, my eyes losing his gaze as i looked at the floor.

there was probably something on my face and he didn't want to tell me.

"i want to introduce you to my friends." josh said suddenly, holding his hand out.

i placed my hand in his as he led me to a group of guys. they weren't muscly, but some of them were wearing letterman jackets and snapbacks. one of the guys saw josh holding my hand, and i was worried. i prepared for a bad reaction from them, wondering why josh would let them see us holding hands in a campus full of homophobic shits.

"josh! is this your boyfriend?" he asked. he was the only one not wearing a letterman jacket, instead his platinum blonde hair was tucked underneath a black fedora.

"um...not yet." he winked, joining the group.

i blushed at that. not yet? well.

"what's up, man? i'm patrick." he shook my hand lightly, smiling.

"i'm tyler." i said, liking him already.

"well, tyler, this is joe," he pointed to the guy on his right, "andy," he was covered in tattoos, "kellin," he was wearing a black snapback and he had nice hair, "gerard," he had nice eyes and red hair, "and brendon."

i smiled, then realized that he was talking about _my_ brendon, and looked to see him in the group.

"tyler!" he held his arms out and hugged me, the smell of beer and perfume on him.

"wait, shut up. don't move." i said, checking out his neck. yup, there it is. "brendon, why do you have hickeys on your neck?"

"because i made out with someone, duh." he rolled his eyes like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"we've been here for twenty minutes." i deadpanned.

"yeah." he nodded.

i put my hands up in defense, raising my eyebrows. _well damn._

i sat down on the small couch jon had with josh, and for some reason our hands were intertwined again. not that i minded, though.

"are you having fun?" he asked me, rubbing small circles into the back of my hands with his thumbs.

"part-"

"joshua! i found drums here, man! play us something!" an unfamiliar guy's voice rang from the back of the crowd.

as soon as he said that, everyone started cheering. i stopped talking, expecting josh to leave and me having to go hang out with his friends.

"i'm kind of talking to someone right now, jake!" josh shouted in response.

"okay, dude!"

"sorry, what were you saying?" he turned his attention back to me.

"aren't you going to go play drums?" i asked.

"no, i want to talk to you."

aw, that's sweet. he'd rather be here with me. i could get used to this.

"i was saying that parties aren't really my thing. my friends would drag me to them and stuff, but i never really liked them." i shrugged.

"me neither. i just come for my friends, but i'd much rather stay at home and read a book or something."

"you wanna get out of here?" i asked.

he looked over at his friends who were busy chugging down beers and cheering each other on.

"yeah."

...

josh and i found ourselves walking into the night, looking up at the navy blue sky.

it was getting late, but i felt safe with josh by my side. i could literally be out here all night.

"we should go to that coffee shop down the street. they have the best lava cakes, i swear." he said.

"you've been there before?" i asked.

"i work there sometimes." he shrugged.

"so you make the lava cakes."

 _of course._

"and pretty much everything else." he said.

"wow, so you could cook _and_ bake. you should open your own restaurant."

"with what money?" he looked at me, smiling.

"i don't know. they have a club downtown."

"yeah, i could be a stripper and get loads of cash."

"i was going to say bouncer, but stripper works, too."

he rolled his eyes at me playfully, pressing his hands into his pockets and looking up that the sky.

"i really want to go stargazing one day." he said.

i didn't respond, i just made a mental note to take him up to the roof one day. we made small talk until we got to the cafe, the small building lit with big windows. there were only a few people in here, mostly everyone went out on a saturday night.

"joshua!" the old lady behind the counter greeted him excitedly, her white hair under a hairnet.

he smiled wide, the corner of his eyes crinkling.

"hi, lori!"

"what can i get you?" she asked.

"i'd like for tyler to try a lava cake, please."

"tyler? is this your boyfriend?" she asked.

"no." josh shook his head.

"not yet?"

he looked at me with a smirk, and i hid my red face in his shirt. people were so embarrassing, aye. i heard his adorable laugh and he pulled me into a hug. which was even better for me, no one could see my face. he smelled good, like cologne and lavender, _and_ he gave amazing hugs.

"could you add a cookie to the lava cake?" he asked lori, who nodded and went into the kitchen.

"tyler." josh poked my cheek, my face still hidden in his shirt.

"..."

"ty."

i peeked at him through my eyelashes and he used two fingers underneath my chin to make me look at him.

 **(A.N. they switched heights and tyler is shorter than josh in this fic okay)**

"don't be embarrassed. you're fine." josh said.

i looked around, nobody was in this cafe except for me and josh.

"okay, fine."

i still had my arms around his tall frame, mainly because he was warm and this thin sweater i was wearing wasn't working wonders for me.

"here you are. enjoy it." lori said.

josh handed her a ten dollar bill, telling her to keep the change, and we began to walk back to the apartment complex. the lava cake was really good, lori even put a scoop of ice cream on top of it. the ice cream melted into the liquid chocolate as i took a spoonful of the cake.

"you made this?" i asked josh again.

"yup."

"it's amazing."

"thanks, ty." he said, biting his cookie.

we eventually reached the apartment, walking past our rooms and going up to the roof. it was midnight now, and the stars were glinting in the black sky. we sat down on the ledge, letting our feet hang over the wall. i rested my head on josh's shoulder, staring down at the road that the streetlights lit. i felt relaxed, being here with josh and not really caring about anything else.

we didn't really talk, we just glanced at each other every so often and enjoyed the quietness of being alone on the roof.

"tyler." josh's soft voice broke the silence.

"yeah?"

"i'm going to take you on a date tomorrow." josh said.

"okay."

i didn't have anything to do on sundays anyway. i liked to call them my suicide days, just because i would most-likely be cramming and trying to stay calm while studying until five in the morning and wishing i was dead. just so i could sleep a little bit more.

but whatever.

"we should probably go inside, now. it's late." i said, checking my phone.

josh nodded, getting off the ledge and following me down the stairs and into the hall.

"i had fun tonight. even though we ditched the party, i'm glad i was able to spend it with you." josh smiled.

it was then when i really wanted to kiss him for saying something so nice to me. but i didn't really know if now was a right time, so i hugged him instead.

"i like you, josh. don't flake on our date tomorrow." i said softly into his soft shirt.

i felt him kiss the top of my head, hugging me tightly.

"i won't."

we waved goodbye to one another and went into our apartments, me feeling really giddy. i liked josh, and i was wondering why we weren't boyfriends yet. i was _really_ wondering. i received a text from the same boy who made my heart jump into my throat.

speak of the devil.

 **josh:** _11:11 make a wish_

i thought it was stupid, that wishes actually worked, but i tried it anyway. i wished the same thing i wished for yesterday, only this time, i actually _hoped_ it happened.

i'd just have to wait and see.

i gasped as i remembered i left brendon at the party. he was still there, he could be hurt or something. i rushed out the door, going down the hall to the room in which was still playing loud music at this time of night. he could be drunk off of his ass and getting an std for all i knew. what type of friend am i?

i opened the unlocked door, seeing half the people from before already gone.

"pete!" i called, seeing him talking to patrick.

"what's up?" he asked.

"where's brendon?"

"do you hear that?"

i listened, smiling when i heard the familiar cheer of brendon going "oh, yeah!".

that's my bestfriend.

i followed his loud voice, seeing him on top of the counter and dancing to imaginary music. he was bobbing his head and shaking his shoulders, the kitchen vacant except for him.

"bren!"

"tyler! hi!" he waved, voice loud and permeated with alcohol.

"let's go home, the party ended." i giggled, brendon flipping his hair and continuing his little dance.

"no, dude. this _is_ my home, man. where the booze is, you know where to find me!"

"bren, come on." i said, stretching my hand out to him.

"catch me!"

he jumped off of the counter onto my body, and that's the moment when i wished i worked out more. i felt brendon's weight on me and i fell too, brendon on top of me.

"tyler, you're a bad catcher." he said, resting his head on my chest.

"i hate you." i said, slipping out from underneath him and pulling him up.

he was practically _falling asleep_ on me. this man was crazy.

"bye, pete. bye, pat. it was nice meeting you!" i said as i dragged my friend out of the room.

"tyler, tyler, tyler...listen to me." brendon said after we left. "i love you, man. you're my favorite person in the world!" he said, hugging me and nuzzling into my neck.

brendon was very affectionate when he was drunk.

"i love you, too, but right now you're hella drunk. you need to sleep." i said, leading him to my open room and stopping in front of my couch.

i pushed a cushion underneath his head and covered him with a blanket, all this extra work tiring me out. i eventually made it to my room after saying goodnight to brendon, stripping down to my boxers.

i sunk into the soft mattress of my own bed, thinking about tomorrow.


	4. brendon, honey, you're gay

josh and i's date yesterday consisted of him making a bunch of food and us having a picnic on the roof of the apartment complex, that way we got out, but we were still in the building. he even got the red checkered blanket and everything. we didn't finish everything he made, so i had about two days' worth of food in my kitchen right now.

i enjoyed the roof, and i enjoyed josh being there with me even more. right now, brendon was talking about how shitfaced he got at the party last night.

"dude, i think i made out with a guy. i couldn't tell, it was blurry, but i probably did."

"you kissed a boy?"

"i don't know!" brendon groaned, hiding his face in his hands.

"brendon, this is great! follow me into the realm of the gay, it's amazing. like honestly, being gay is the shit." i said, trying to make him feel better.

"no! i wanna be straight! i like girls!" he said.

"honey, clearly not if you're kissing guys." i said, pursing me lips and raising my eyebrows at him. he should know better than to lie to me.

"tyler!" he whined, hiding his face in his arms again.

"bren, it's not that bad. i say you should explore a bit more, let out your inner gay. date a few guys, then maybe, you'll realize that you're homo." i shrugged.

"aye." i heard his muffled voice.

"brendon..." i poked his cheek. was he sleeping?

"..."

"bren."

"..."

"brendy."

"..."

"dude, look! that guy is _so_ hot." i said quickly.

"where?" he looked up from his hands, looking around.

i smirked and he just groaned again.

i jumped as i felt someone slide their hand around my waist and kiss my cheek, scaring me a bit. he noticed my action.

"sorry, ty." josh smiled, sitting down next to me.

"it's okay. are you off of your shift?" i asked.

"no, i'm supposed to be in the halls, but i wanted to see you. are you okay?"

"yeah, i'm fine. are you?"

"i'm good. do you want anything before i go? i have like, three minutes left." he said, glancing at his phone.

"no, but could you please tell brendon that being gay is okay? he's struggling a bit."

"i'm not gay." brendon said, looking up at me.

"right." i rolled my eyes.

"that's exactly what my cousin said when he was in college." josh said. "he's gay and has two kids with his husband now."

i laughed, brendon groaning for what seemed to be the millionth time and hiding his head in his hands again. i started talking to josh, learning that he was working on a new painting. he wouldn't tell me of what, though, he said it "added to the mystery". what mystery, i don't know.

he waved goodbye to me, and i watched him walk out. i didn't know what i was feeling, but my stomach was still doing flips even _after_ he left, and my heart was beating fast.

what the hell?

...

i looked up from my book when i heard loud voices outside my door.

"what do you mean i need to make space? can't you tell someone else to move out?" one of them asked.

"josh, i'm just doing my job. find a friend that will let you move in with them." it was satan.

"but then i'd have to move all my art shit out."

"well then find someone who is willing to move in with you. we will take their room instead. i've already told the landlord about this. you need to get out by thursday."

i heard josh sigh loudly, telling the guy he would and the door slam shut. i felt like he needed a friend, but then again, he probably wanted to be left alone. i decided i would visit him after i was done studying for the exam tomorrow. we had another one, but i understood the material and told myself i'd get a good grade on it. if you believe, you can achieve, right?

two cans of red bull later, i found myself knocking lightly on josh's room door. i didn't hear a response after a few minutes, so i knocked again.

"it's open!" he shouted.

i came inside, hearing faint music play from the guest bedroom, as well as a candle burning. it smelled like apples, filling the room with a sweet, fruity aroma. i followed the music, peeking into the open door to see josh in an oversized t-shirt stained with different color paints. he had on the thick rimmed glasses he wears sometimes, pushing them up with his finger as they slipped down his nose. he was in the middle of painting, his forehead and hands splotched with streaks of paint. he hadn't looked up from the easel yet, and his hands were quickly painting strokes on the canvas.

he poked his tongue out of his mouth, eyebrows furrowing as he looked the picture over.

"josh?" i asked, grabbing his attention.

"oh, hey." he seemed surprised that it was me, grabbing his phone from the stool next to him and pressing the screen, making the music stop.

"what are you painting?" i asked.

"nothing important." he said, shaking his head.

he blew out the candles, a thin stream of smoke disappearing into the air from the black wick. he tugged off the shirt, ribs visibly moving against his skin as he stretched to get the shirt off.

sweet jesus, he was shirtless now and i didn't know what to do with myself. he smiled at me, kissing my cheek before going into his own bedroom. he returned with a clean, solid black shirt on.

"what brings you here?" he asked, going into his kitchen.

"i hear you need a roommate?" i sat at a stool by the counter, propping my elbows on it and resting my head in my hand.

"oh, yeah. this sucks, i like being by myself." he pouted, grabbing a bottle of water from the refrigerator.

"well, you know. i'm by myself too...and i don't have shit to move..." i said, drawing designs on the counter with my fingertips, and looking up at him.

"and?" josh smiled at me.

"you need a roomate." i said.

"mmhmm..." he nodded, raising his eyebrows.

"josh, you know what i'm trying to say." i said, giving him a look.

"do i?" he stroked his chin.

"okay, fine. find your own roommate." i said, knowing that i actually wouldn't let him.

"i was leaning more towards the really cute guy across from me. he has the nicest smile and fluffiest hair, and i really want to take him out more, but he's probably sick of me. oh, well." josh sighed loudly, stopping what he was doing to glance at me before resuming his raid of the fridge.

"i'm sure he's not sick of you. if anything, he probably wants more of you. i mean, that's just my guess."

"well, i'm going to ask him out right now. hey, tyler, are you busy tonight?"

"actually, yeah, i have to go on a date with someone. sorry."

"well, where are you guys going?" josh smirked, leaning on the counter.

"i was thinking maybe we could go make s'mores with the bonfire on the roof?" i said.

josh opened his cabinet, and of course, he had graham crackers, chocolates, and marshmallows.

"let's go."

...

josh found a lighter that was near the fire pit, the regular red color chipped and decorated with intricate designs in black sharpie.

we didn't know who it belonged to, nor did we care. all i knew was that we had a giant bag of marshmallows that needed to be roasted. josh bent down, lighting the wood that was in the pit. i never really knew why there was a fire pit on the roof, but it sure was convenient.

"i didn't want to use an actual stick, so i grabbed these instead." josh said, hanging me a wooden chopstick.

i shrugged. it still worked.

i put my marshmallow on the stick, holding it towards the fire, watching as it went from white to brown in a matter of minutes.

"this is cute. i like being on this roof." josh said, looking up at the night sky. the stars were out again.

"me too. it's peaceful, and even better when you're here with another person." i sighed in content, spacing out a bit as i watched the orange flames dance against the black sky.

i had this warm-fuzzy feeling in the pit of my chest. it was cozy, being here like this. the stress of college was dissipating into nothing, burning up just like this bonfire.

"tyler."

"yeah?" he snapped me out of my thoughts.

"your marshmallow's on fire." josh pointed to my flaming marshmallow.

i pulled it out of the fire, blowing it out, my heart beating fast as i tried not to burn myself. i frowned when my marshmallow was completely black.

"aw, now i'm sad." i pouted, looking at it.

"here." josh put his own marshmallow in between graham crackers and chocolate, the sticky white goo leaving thick residue on his chopstick.

he handed it to me.

"really?" i asked.

"yup." he smiled, pulling another marshmallow out of the bag.

"thanks, joshie!" i squealed, excited to finally try one of these things. i've never had one, mainly because i didn't like being near fire.

i heard him chuckle at the nickname before stabbing the marshmallow with his stick.

i bit into it, the marshmallow soft and gooey. josh made another one and bit into it, looking down at his nose when chocolate got on it.

i laughed as he tried to lick it off, but he couldn't reach. i just used my shirt to wipe it off, since he didn't bring any napkins.

"thnk you, thyler." he said, his mouth full.

that's pretty much what happened for the rest of the night, but then we felt like we were going to pop with the amount of sugar we ate, so we were now looking up at the night sky and watching the stars twinkle in the darkness as we tried to get our stomach to calm down.

"stars are pretty amazing." i said, looking at a particularly bright one.

"they're mysterious." josh said.

"how?"

"because you don't know how they got there."

"through nebulas, josh."

"i know, but how did the _nebula_ get there? where did everything come from?" josh asked.

"god?"

"okay, but where did _he_ come from?" josh looked at me, knowing i wouldn't have an answer for that.

"good question."

my hand was at my side, and so was josh's. i didn't know whether i should make a move or not, as josh seemed to be infatuated with the sky at the moment. not even going to lie, he looked pretty underneath the stars. his light eyes were gleaming under the moonlight, his features shadowed by the night sky.

josh is beautiful.

i moved my hands slightly until i touched his hand by his side. i looked up at him to see his eyes darting back and forth, my move going unnoticed as he continued gazing at the stars. i inched my hand so it was under his and linked our fingers together, my heart celebrating that tiny victory. he smiled at me, curling his fingers in my hand.

and we just laid there.

i felt relaxed, just not talking and looking at the stars. i was jealous of the stars, really. they were so bright, silently bragging about their freedom in the sky. but in a way, they were just like us. they're born without knowing what they're getting into, and they were all different. some were brighter than others, and a lot were dim and unnoticeable. some were smaller and more far away, while others were big and prominent. stars were just like us, and we have a light that shines bright sometimes. some of us might feel like we have nothing, but once we surround ourselves with people who could bring out that light in us, it's a wonderful feeling.

stars were cool.

"josh, i just realized something." i said softly.

"what?"

"you're a star."

"what?" he looked at me.

"yeah, you're a star. you're bright, just like them. you're like, the brightest one out of all the other stars."

he smiled. "do you see that one right there?" josh pointed to the moon.

"that's not a star, joshie."

"true, but it's really bright, and it's different than all the other stars. it reminds me of you, for some reason. it's different. you're the first thing i notice every day, just like this moon. people usually look for the moon over the stars, right?"

"true." i turned my body to look at him, and he did the same.

"there you go. i think you would beat the moon in a pretty contest any day."

"i never thought of it that way." i blushed.

josh was looking at my face, and i saw him darting his eyes to my lips. i went from his soft, bright pink hair to his pretty eyes, to the glinting nose ring, to his own lips. i actually really liked josh, and just us looking at each other made my heart flutter and my stomach churn.

what was wrong with me?

"josh, you're staring." i giggled, his gaze making me blush.

"you're just really cute, that's all." josh smiled, making me hide my face in his shoulder.

i looked down, blushing like a madman at this point. i probably looked like a cherry by now.

"tyler?"

i glanced up to see josh had scooted closer to me, if that was even possible, and he swallowed.

"yeah?"

"i want to kiss you."

i looked at his eyes, searching for any sign that he was joking. but he wasn't.

"then do it." i challenged.

and he did.

he fucking kissed me.

he held my face in his hand, holding onto my other one. i made use of my other hand and placed it on his waist, clutching his t-shirt. it was a light kiss, but it still made me feel like doing backflips. he pulled away slightly, my eyes still closed as his soft lips grazed over my own again, teasing me. i couldn't help but smile when he pressed down, him slipping his hands down to the small of my back and holding me closer to him. i moved my hands to his neck, keeping them there as he deepened the kiss. i felt all bubbly inside.

for what reason?

i think it might be josh.

he pulled away fully this time, looking into my eyes. i smiled and blushed when i realized i had just _kissed josh,_ and i hid my face in his chest.

holy shit, was i crazy.


	5. tacos

"joshua, did you find that roommate, yet?" another r.a., i think his name was vic, asked josh from outside my door.

 _oh, shit._

i was supposed to move in with him by today. would he get in trouble? i completely forgot!

"uh, yeah, actually. he's just..." i heard shuffling outside the door, "...getting his stuff together now!" josh basically shouted, which told me i needed to get my ass _moving._

i heard josh make small talk as he tried to stall, and i ran to the linen closet. with a shit ton of effort, i was able to take out a big ass suitcase from the top shelf, running to my room and throwing literally _everything_ in there. i made sure i didn't miss anything in my drawers, and put all my books in my backpack. i didn't really have anything else to get, everything i left was more like a pair of scissors and papers.

"well, where is he, josh?" vic asked.

i opened the door with all my shit in my hands, sheepishly smiling at vic.

"i'm right here, ready to move in with josh." i said.

vic noticeably checked me out, eyes running from my head to my feet and back up to my face again, a smirk growing on his face. "cool. i'll come by tomorrow to inspect your room, and the landlord will know. thanks...um..."

"tyler."

"tyler. that's a beautiful name." he smiled, showing off his white teeth.

"thank you?"

he nodded, walking off down the hall, his pretty hair flowing behind him. i looked at josh, raising my eyebrow. he just shrugged and gestured for me to come inside of his apartment. i awkwardly shuffled inside with my hands full, and he noticed, taking my suitcase for me. he opened the door to his bedroom and put my suitcase on his bed.

"this is my room. feel free to do whatever you want." he said.

"where are you going to sleep?" i asked, taking in the band posters on his black wall. i liked the neon yellow nirvana logo on one of the walls.

"i'm sleeping on the couch. you're a guest, you should have the bed."

"thank you, josh. but you shouldn't sleep on the couch because of me. _i'll_ sleep on the couch." i insisted, knowing i'd feel horrible if i took this bed. it usually wouldn't be a big deal to some, and i don't know why it was to me, but i just wouldn't.

"are you sure, tyler?" josh asked, scratching the back of his neck.

i nodded, hugging him so he didn't feel bad. "thank you anyway, though."

i went back into the living room, sitting down on the couch. josh came and joined me, sitting right next to me when there was so much space. i didn't mind, though.

"do you want to do something today?" i asked, feeling like going out.

"sure. there's this taco place that's super good. you like tacos?" josh asked, resting his head on my shoulder.

"i do."

"let's go." he got up, offering me his hand again and leading me out of the door.

josh and i walked to the end of the sidewalk outside of the complex, then we turned the corner and the only places i saw were mcdonalds and taco bell, everything else was office buildings.

"ah, there it is!" josh said, tugging me across the street and opened the door to taco bell.

"josh, this isn't a restaurant."

he put a finger over my lips. "don't question, this is a great restaurant."

i playfully rolled my eyes, going up to the counter. josh ordered two tacos and so did i, and of course, when the lady asked if we wanted the twelve for twelve, josh said yes. i don't know how we would eat all those tacos, but i didn't question.

we took our bags of tacos and walked back to the apartment complex, taking the stairs up to the roof and eating them, letting our feet hang over the edge as we watched people walk past.

"you know what would be bad?" josh asked.

"what?"

"if we dropped these tacos on people walking past."

"josh!"

"i'm not going to try it, but that sure would suck. i don't want to waste a taco." he shrugged, taking another one out of its wrapping and eating it.

we ate our tacos in silence, but it wasn't one of those awkward ones. i didn't mind not speaking, i was perfectly content with josh's presence. my stomach churned as i thought of him, and i mentally cursed as my heart started beating hard in my chest.

i suddenly didn't want to eat my taco, my stomach already full with butterflies.

i set it down on the ledge next to me, leaning back on my hands. i looked up at the moon, reminding myself that i was just like it, according to josh. that somehow made me feel better about the stress of college, knowing that i was important to someone.

knowing that _i_ was important to _josh dun._

"tyler?" josh asked. "are you okay?"

"yeah." i smiled.

i liked josh.


	6. sick

i woke up naturally, my soft comforter bunched up at the side of the bed.

it was really cold, and my mouth was dry. i swallowed, wincing as my throat burned when i did. i shivered, getting up to make coffee. i stopped, looking at the room. it was all black, with tributes to someone's favorite band on one wall and posters on the other. there was a bean bag in the corner and picture frames holding beautifully painted artwork on the wall by the window.

what the hell? this isn't my room.

i gasped, thinking that i probably hooked up with someone last night.

what if i got an std? i've never had a drunk hookup before, much less stay the night at a stranger's house!

i smelled a mix of lavender and pine, and then i realized.

i'm in josh's apartment. i was his roomate now.

i relaxed, sniffling slightly and making my way to the kitchen. i passed josh in the studio, him at work on a painting. i admired how he was so focused on something he liked to do, the way his arm muscles would ripple underneath his pale skin as he added a color to the painting. how he pushed his glasses up every so often because they'd slip off sometimes, or maybe how he ran his fingers through his hair, ending up getting paint in the pink strands.

i knew i was staring, but i couldn't help it.

josh was beautiful, and he somehow managed to see the beauty in _me._

i mentally slapped myself for ruining the moment when i coughed loudly, my throat itchy and sore. he looked up at me, his eyebrows raised as i caught him in surprise.

"tyler! you're up! are you sick?" he asked, setting his paints down.

"i think."

"stay here." he said, taking off his paint-shirt, and _once again,_ was shirtless, and i _once again_ didn't know what to do with myself.

i followed him to the kitchen anyway, sitting down on the counter. i groaned, hiding my face in my hands as the kitchen was so _bright._ i was lost in complete darkness now thanks to my eyelids, hearing shuffling in front of me. i peeked through my fingers to see josh had set something on the stove, turning on the fire and opening the fridge. i didn't know what he was doing, but i soon felt him pet my head, asking me if i wanted medicine. josh's touch made me feel a little better, his cold hand resting on my forehead, checking for fever.

i had one, let me tell you. it was hot as hell right now.

he got me tylenol, giving it to me while tending to the stove.

"it's something that lori taught me how to make. it's good, don't worry." he said, stirring the stuff in the pot and adding spices in his cupboard.

i didn't talk, my throat on fire and terribly itchy. i hated this, all i did was wake up. but then again, it wasn't always a good idea to sleep in boxers with no blanket. josh's phone started ringing from the living room, and he quickly went to get it and returned before the soup boiled over.

"hello?"

he set it to his ear, using both hands to get a bowl for me. okay, now it was freezing. i got up to retrieve a blanket from the couch, coming back to the counter.

"um...no." he looked at me. "i'm not free today."

he poured it into the bowl.

"tyler's sick." he furrowed his brow, putting a metal spoon in it and pushing the bowl over to me on the counter, leaning over and kissing my forehead as a way to tell me _"i hope you feel better"._

he disappeared out of the kitchen and i could hear his voice all the way down the hall, smiling slightly as he laughed. i brought the spoon up to my lips, drinking it and feeling its warmth spread throughout my body like wildfire. it was delicious, different tastes dancing on my tongue as i took another spoonful, and i could feel myself feeling a bit better as i swallowed the soup.

i looked up as josh returned, holding out a pair of blue fuzzy socks.

"wear these, it'll help."

i slipped on the socks, slightly wincing as i felt a small pain in my back. what was going on?

"how are you feeling?" josh asked.

"like shit."

he pouted, looking around the room for an idea.

"maybe a movie will help you?"

i shrugged.

"turn that frown upside down!" he smiled big, poking my cheeks.

i ended up smiling, too, mainly because josh was the biggest dork on the planet and i loved him for it.

he led me to the couch, picking a movie on netflix. it was a horror, me not really paying attention to the title of it.

"i'll be back." he said, leaving the living room and disappearing into his bedroom.

he returned with an oversized sweater for me to wear.

"it'll keep you warm." he pressed play, turning off the lights to add to the scary factor.

i slipped the sweater over my bare torso, the sleeves going past my hands. it smelled like josh, almost like a mix of laundry detergent, pine, and coffee. i could tell he wore this on lazy days. i fisted my hands in the oversized sleeves, snuggling into the sweater and smiling slightly.

you know that really warm-fuzzy feeling that makes your stomach flip and smile uncontrollably?

that was me right now, probably looking like an idiot for loving josh's sweater so much. maybe it's because it wasn't mine, and from someone else who liked me and had butterflies whenever _i'm_ around _him._

it made me feel wanted.

he plopped himself of the couch, pulling the blanket up to his chin. josh told me he's never been good with scary movies, but he still loved to watch them. i could tell he was prepared for a jumpscare by the way his hazel eyes scanned the screen, looking at the opening credits. we were sitting so far away from each other, and i decided to close that gap. the music in the beginning started to settle in, and i found myself leaning against josh, my head resting on his chest.

he put his arm around my shoulders, covering us both with the blanket. i was cozy, my heart fluttering at the simple gestures josh made.

"wait, josh. i'm going to get you sick." i realized, disappointed and ready to move away.

he tightened his arm around my shoulders.

"are you happy like this?" he asked.

"what do you mean?"

"like, are you happier cuddling or being over there?" josh looked down at me, and i could smell the faint scent of the incense he was burning an hour ago.

"i'd rather be here, but i don't want to get you sick."

"i don't mind. if it makes you happy, i'll stay here. now sh, i missed what just happened." he turned, enveloping me in both of his arms before kissing my head and sinking down into the couch.

 _wow,_ was he sweet.


	7. lava cakes

"are you kidding me?!" i asked, pissed off.

"i'm sorry! i didn't know it was yours!" josh retaliated, arms open to prove his point.

"it literally had my name on it! josh, how can you be so careless?"

"tyler, it's really not a big deal."

"not a big deal?! how would you feel if i just _moseyed_ on down into the kitchen and ate your shit?!"

"tyler-"

"josh, i'm not even mad about the food part, but the fact that you don't care. what if it was medicine or something i needed to live?"

"then i would know about it and keep it somewhere safe, like _not_ the refrigerator?" he gave me an incredulous look.

i shook my head at him, turning around and leaving the apartment. i was so annoyed. it wasn't a big deal to him, but i _really_ was looking forward to the lava cake i saved from yesterday. and he didn't even give a shit about it!

i jogged up the stairs, feeling a little calmer when the fresh air from outside entered my lungs. the farther i got away from the apartment and thought about what happened, though, the more guilty i felt. it was creeping up my spine and spreading throughout my chest like a contagious disease. i probably shouldn't have yelled at josh for something as little as _lava cake._

i sat on the ledge of the roof, swinging my feet back and forth as i thought of a way to apologize to josh. i honestly felt like an asshole, it wasn't his fault. i sighed, looking up at the setting sun. oranges and pinks were blended into the deep yellow background that is the sky. it reminded me of josh's new painting. it was a simple sunset, but he painted two silhouettes of people sitting and watching it.

he never told me if they were supposed to be us, a figment of his imagination, or what. all _i_ knew was that i loved it, and i had it hanging up in josh's room. it's funny how we acted like his room was mine, when he would sometimes slip into it in the middle of the night because _the couch is too hard to sleep on_ or _i'm cold,_ even though it was softer than the bed _._

i couldn't say a simple _i'm sorry,_ though. it wasn't a big deal, and i didn't know if he was mad at me or not. i didn't know if he even wanted to look at me. he probably thought i was too dramatic.

 _i'm a mess._

i sighed again, decided to just do it. i opened the staircase door, going down the stairs and into our apartment. i smelled chocolate, and looked forward to see josh with powder in various spots on his face. he wiped his hands in a dish towel and turned, noticing me walk in. he faced me, smiling meekly and pushing a bowl towards me.

i looked at it, raising an eyebrow. it was the same type of cake i was upset over, sprinkled with powdered sugar. i looked at him and he stared right back at me with a hopeful expression. my heart plunged, and i felt the smothering guilt again.

this guy went out of his way to make another lava cake for me.

i went around the counter and hid my face in his chest, hugging him tightly.

"i'm sorry, josh." my voice was muffled and laced with guilt.

"i'm sorry, too. i should've read the label." he chuckled, kissing the top of my head.

what did i do to deserve him?


	8. brent

"tyler, stop. you're so embarrassing." josh said, holding me up.

"i'm embarrassing you? you just can't have fun, man. here, have this." i handed him my drink that someone gave me, i didn't know who. all i knew was that it tasted good and it was taking me places. maybe it would help him lighten up a little. he was so uptight, he needs to relax.

he took it and set it down on the table, leading me to the couch. we were at a party, my senses numbed and my ears blocking out the loud music blasting through the speakers. i was lightheaded, laughing slightly at josh as he sat me down on the couch, sitting next to me.

"joshua...you're cute." i poked his nose.

"ty, i'm getting you water." josh's light tone made me smile.

"okay, man, whatever you want." i rolled my head back, leaning against the couch as he left. was i swimming? why did i feel like i was underwater?

"hey, tyler." i heard someone whisper next to me. he was blonde with blue eyes, a little scruff on his chin and cheeks.

"who are you?"

"my name is brent. i need to talk to you about something."

"okay." i said, sitting up.

"can we go somewhere else? it's too loud here."

"sure, man."

i followed him, stumbling a bit as i felt my legs give out. brent caught me, his grip a little too low on my waist and a _little_ too rough. i panicked as i couldn't feel my legs, trying to walk by myself, but brent had to help me.

what the fuck?

i went into an open room with brent, sitting on the bed, my head beginning to hurt.

"what did you want to talk about?" i asked.

brent closed the door to the room. whatever this is _better_ be important, i wanted to get back to josh.

brent walked over to me and roughly held my face in his hands, crashing his chapped lips against mine. i was caught off guard, gasping through my nose and catching a whiff of ladies' perfume. immediately, i pushed him away, my heart pounding in my throat. i was still seeing double, and i _still_ felt like i was swimming.

"i have a boyfriend! let me leave." i dragged out, getting up.

"forget about him, focus on me tonight." brent said, pushing me on the bed and pinning my hands above my head with _one fucking hand._

he leaned down and kissed my neck, and i could smell the vodka on his breath. i felt really weak now, me trying to find strength to get away from him, but with the sensations of him on my neck and the weird drink kicking in. i honestly couldn't move.

i was scared.

i was scared of the goosebumps forming on my skin from his soft kisses on my throat and i was scared of how close he was brushing his body against mine. this is the exact type of scenario your mom wants you to stay away from at parties.

"stop!" i tried to scream, but it only came out in a small whisper.

he muffled anything else by pressing his lips on my mouth, and i grimaced. i felt disgusting, i couldn't even move! what the fuck was in that drink?

i tried to turn my head, successful that i was now facing the window that was pouring in moonlight into the dark room. i felt sick when i heard his breaths and i _really_ tried to force myself not to react when he pressed his front onto mine. his lips left a trail of thick saliva down my throat.

i wanted to vomit.

"please, stop." i tried, shivering as he unbuttoned my top and started kissing down my torso, my chest exposed to the cold air and his warm lips.

he was _dangerously_ close to my pants.

"josh!" i screamed, again it only coming out in a whisper.

what was wrong with me? why couldn't i do anything?

"why can't i move?" i asked.

"date rape drug, baby. and you're all mine." he smiled wickedly, unbuckling my belt.

i felt tears slip out of my eyes when i heard _him._ i heard the one person who i needed most right now outside of the door.

"where's tyler?"

he probably had my water.

"bro, weren't you just in bed with him?" someone's voice i couldn't recognize.

 _"what?"_

"josh, did you find him?" my bestfriend was out there, too.

i was crying now, _so_ scared of this guy on top of me and my friends were outside the door and i was trapped and

 _they had_ _no idea._

"no, i don't know where he is."

over the soft groans coming from brent, i could hear them knocking on doors. my heart beat with hope as i heard brendon's loud ass knock on the door, and the door handle jiggle.

"you said he was in here?" brendon asked.

"yeah, dude. he's short with fluffy, brown hair, right?" it was someone else this time.

i looked down to see brent had slipped off my pants, me not even noticing where they went. he had taken his hand off of my wrists, trailing them down my body. i grimaced at the callouses scraping against my sensitive skin, swallowing thickly and trying not to react. i couldn't even move my arms, it didn't make a difference.

"it's locked."

"i'm so sure he's in there, brendon." it was the other person this time.

the door was kicked once,

then twice,

and i couldn't be happier to see my floppy-haired friend. next to him was josh, who dropped the cup of water and stared at me. i was shirtless, my pants off. brent was still on top of me, holding my waist. josh backed up, a look of hurt and confusion on his face as he disappeared out of the doorway. brendon glanced at him as he left, giving me a disappointed expression and coming into the room. i shot him a worried look to tell him that something was wrong.

"you have five seconds to get the _fuck_ off of him." brendon clenched his fists, and i could see the vein in his neck with every word he said, but as i blinked, it was gone.

brent quickly took his clothes and left, me closing my eyes in relief. i couldn't believe that just happened to me. out of all the other people at this stupid party, why me? _why did i let this happen to myself?_

"tyler, what the hell are you doing? hooking up with a guy when you have josh?" brendon asked, hands on his hips.

"i can't move." i whispered, tears painting clear strokes on my flushed cheeks. i was trying again to move _at least_ my fingers, but i couldn't, and i felt so helpless and so _disgusting_ that i let brent take advantage of me like that. i could've done _something._

brendon scrunched his eyebrows together, then realization hit him. "were you drugged?"

i didn't respond, because i didn't know for sure. i probably was, but then again, i didn't want to blame drugs for why i couldn't move. that just didn't make sense.

"oh, my god. we need to go." brendon picked up my pants from the floor, doing his best to get them around my feet and up my legs.

i shivered at his cold fingers as he buttoned my shirt, head swarming with the bees that were my thoughts. were was josh? did he think i wanted this?

i could barely feel brendon hook his arms underneath my legs and back, carrying me out of the door. i was so sleepy, but i really needed to see josh.

"where did josh go?" i asked.

"i don't know." i was surprised he was able to hear me.

"could we check the roof?"

brendon sighed, nodding. "i'll check, because i'm not going to carry you up three flights. you need to sleep this off."

he took me to my room, and i was numbed to him getting the key out of my back pocket.

"i feel horrible." my vision was blurry again, this time from tears and not from the alcohol.

"it's not your fault. i'll speak to him, i'm sure he'll understand." brendon put me in josh's bed, covering me with the comforter.

"be safe, okay?" he called, rushing out of the door.

all i wanted was josh. i didn't care about _my_ safety, i just hoped josh wasn't in any trouble. i wanted him to know that i was still his. he probably hates me now, thinking i was a cheater. an easy, stupid cheater. my heart hurt, plunging to my stomach as i thought about josh leaving me over this. would he even want to see my face?

my head started to hurt now, so i shut my eyes and tried to sleep.

 _i feel disgusting._

...

i heard someone burst through the door, waking me up out of my sleep.

i didn't know what time it was, but the moon was out and the room was completely black. i looked to see josh's figure in the moonlight, his hair sticking out from underneath a snapback, but his hoodie was off. i was able to sit up and face him, waiting for him to say something.

"tyler, brendon told me what happened. are you alright? i'm so sorry, i should've stayed and helped." josh's voice carried regret as he kneeled near the bed.

"i'm okay. i'm sorry, josh. i didn't mean for that to happen. i'm not a cheater." i said, sighing.

"i know ty. it wasn't your fault." he held my face in his hand, stroking the pink skin of my cheek with his thumb. "i'm just glad nothing else happened."

i met his gaze, and found myself lost. everything that happened last night was forgotten about for the moment, and i was just thinking about this beautiful guy right in front of me. he was amazing, and i was really happy i had him.

"what was the guy's name, anyway?" he asked.

"huh?" i was snapped out of my thoughts.

"his name?"

"brent. he was blonde."

i noticed josh's eyes flicker to the ground, and his eyebrows quickly formed a hurt expression before looking up at me.

"and you're positive you had no control over it."

"one hundred percent. he said he gave me a date rape drug, i have no idea what that is."

"that bastard." josh turned and left the room, front door closing behind him.

 _holy shit._

i got up, slowly making my way over to the front door. the drug was wearing off, but my legs still felt like jelly. i could feel the cold tile underneath my feet, and my heart pounded quickly at the thought of josh getting himself in trouble. i walked into the kitchen, groaning as my head pounded with the bright lights. i squinted my eyes, trying to block out as much of the light as i could while still being able to see.

i heard yelling in the hallway. i opened the door to see josh and brent in the hall to the left, josh pushing brent into his apartment.

"josh!" i called, wanting him to stop.

i slowly made my way over to the room, my legs and back hurting and i didn't know why. i peeked my head around the corner, gasping when josh was on top of brent, throwing punches. _he wouldn't stop._

"josh, please!" i went over to him and put my hands on his shoulders, brent's face a bloody mess as he was losing consciousness. i was only gone for one minute!

he looked back at me, his features softening. he glanced at brent one more time before getting off of him, brent rolling over and groaning. i didn't say a word to him after that. he tried to reach for my hand, but as soon as i felt his soft fingertips brush over my palm, i pulled away.

i was _scared._

we walked in the apartment, an awkward silence showering us, and i was drowning in it. he gave me a look that i interpreted as "i'm sorry", but i didn't return anything.

i slept on the couch that night.


	9. snowmen

josh was running around the house, blasting mariah carey and sprinkling the countertop with fake snowflakes.

christmas was right around the corner, and to say josh was excited was an understatement.

"tyler, what are you doing?" josh asked, hands on his hips as he shot me an incredulous look.

"what?" i looked up from my juice box.

"why aren't you helping? christmas is friday and we're so under-decorated!" josh huffed.

"josh, we have time."

"please take this tinsel and put it up." josh requested.

"yes, mommy dearest." i rolled my eyes, grabbing a chair from the kitchen and going towards the door. i heard the soft pats of josh's fuzzy sock-covered feet on the tile as he ran to the end of the hall.

"don't care about the presents underneath the christmas tree!" josh shouted.

i giggled at his silliness, and continued to put the shiny, red tinsel on top of the door. i nodded my head lightly to mariah, reaching as much as i could to get the tinsel on top of the door frame. it was then when i started to smell the pine incense josh was burning, and it bothered my nose, but i enjoyed smelling it at the same time.

the holidays always warmed my heart, despite the cold weather outside. it was a time to celebrate with your relatives and loved ones, and being with my family was the best part. i really didn't care about the small amount of gifts i got, just being with people who cared about me and drinking hot chocolate by the fire made me excited. we received seasons in ohio, and i could see the small flurries outside of the window in the kitchen collecting on the sill and on cars outside. it covered everything in a light sheet of white joy, and i smiled to myself.

i love the holidays. it was even better now that i had josh. i couldn't wait to wear ugly sweaters with him and give him presents, because everyone knows he deserves it the most.

when i was finished with the tinsel, i met josh in our room, leaning on the doorframe and watching him work. he grabbed one of the candy canes he was holding, bringing it to his mouth and lip syncing the lyrics to the song into it. he shut his eyes tightly and backed up, pointing at his imaginary audience. he swung his hips to the music, jumping on the bed and dancing like he was performing. he opened his eyes again, stopping his movements as he saw me.

"oh, hey!" he sat down on the bed, a pink blush tinting his cheeks. "here, have a candy cane!" he looked down at the red and white striped candy, then back at me, holding it out to me and smiling.

i walked over to him, smiling back. "what were you doing?"

"um..." his light eyes asked the ceiling for a thought. "i was decorating our room! duh!" he chuckled awkwardly, running a hand through his hair and getting up.

i put my hands on his chest, looking up at him.

"you're a terrible liar." i smirked.

"am not!" he whined like a three year old.

i glanced out the window, the snow falling a bit heavier and creating little dunes of snow on the sill underneath it.

"okay, well can you build a better snowman than me?" i challenged.

"you're so on. i'm so much better at making snowmen." he said.

like i said, terrible liar.

...

"josh, have you ever made a snowman before?" i asked.

he looked at his lump of snow, the stick in the wrong spot at the head bigger than the bottom.

"no." he pouted.

i went over to him, snow collecting on his hoodie, the cold making his nose red. i could see the small freckles that littered his nose clearly, and i noticed his eyes were a little lighter. he was _stunning._

"do you want help?" i asked again.

"yes, please."

i took his hand in mine, leading him to another spot outside to start fresh.

"okay, so you're just going to make a snowball." i said, packing snow in my gloved hands.

josh copied, making a snowball. he glanced at me, and then looked at the snowball. i knew exactly what kind of sneaky tricks were pooling around in his head, and i gave him a look that said _don't even try._

i think josh is really bad at taking signals, because he launched the white ball at me, snow exploding off of my shoulder. he laughed loudly, clutching his stomach and falling in the snow. i glared at him, but i couldn't stop the grin from breaking my features as i saw his eyes crinkle and heard his laugh.

"i hate you." i shook my head, smiling slightly.

"you love me." he said, wiping his teary eyes and getting up.

"i don't." i brushed the snow off of my jacket.

"i love _you."_ he snaked his arms around my waist from behind and kissed the spot behind my ear, burying his face in my shoulder.

my heart sped as he said this and my breath hitched, causing the fog to stop swirling around my face.

"wait, what?" i turned to face him.

he nodded, smiling as a red tint brushed over his cheeks.

"do you really mean it?" i asked, a blush adorning my cheeks, making my face even redder since i was cold. i turned to face him, looking into his eyes to find any source of a joke.

"i do. i love you, and i hope you love me back, otherwise this would be _really_ awk-"

i cut him off, pressing my lips to his surprisingly soft ones, holding his face in my hands. it was light, but it still showed how i felt. i smiled into the kiss, pulling back slightly when i found myself giggling. i pressed my forehead to his, meeting his hazel eyes with my brown ones, rubbing my thumb across his pink-dusted cheek.

"i love you, too." i smiled.

he engulfed me in a hug, spinning me around and met my lips briefly. i squealed when i felt him fall back into the snow, breaking the fall like a sponge. i hid my face in his neck, not being able to control this silly grin i had on my face, but could you blame me?

 _josh loves me._

my heart beat fast at the thought, and my smile was broken as josh pressed his lips to mine again, each kiss feeling better than the last. maybe it was the knowledge that we love each other, or maybe it was the cold snow falling on top of us.

either way, it was special.

...

josh and i came back inside the house after _many_ failed attempts at building a snowman, so we settled on watching a christmas movie a week before the actual holiday.

i rested my head on josh's chest, eyes glued to the screen.

"wait, tyler?" josh asked.

"yeah?" i looked up at him.

"why are we putting up decorations if i'm not going to be here?"

"oh, yeah." i had a deadpanned expression, completely forgetting about josh. "that's okay, let's just enjoy it while we can, okay?"

he nodded, kissing me once before holding me closer to him and watching the movie. i bit my lip unconsciously, searching the floor for an idea to stop worrying. josh wasn't even there yet and i was worried he'd get snowed in or something. his sister was sick, and he was scared she would get worse without someone there to watch over her. i was a bit bummed that he wouldn't be here for christmas, but family came first and i understood that.

plus, spending christmas with friends was fun as fuck, so i didn't mind.

"ty, stop stressing. we will be fine." he lightly rubbed my arm, kissing my hair.

"i know. i just don't want anything to happen to you." i sighed, probably sounding like a paranoid idiot.

josh rolled us over so that we were laying on the couch, both of his arms now wrapped around my body. i was really warm now, breathing in the faint scent of incense and the snow outside. i wrapped my fists in his t-shirt, snuggling into his chest.

"i will be fine. i promise." he said into my neck, causing goosebumps to rise on my skin.

i smiled slightly at the tickling sensation his breath caused, feeling bubbly inside that i was _this close_ to josh. we've cuddled before, but for some reason, this felt different.

"josh." i pulled back, running my fingers through his soft hair. he needed a re-dye soon.

"tyler."

"i love you." i smiled at how my mouth formed those words.

"i love you, too."

i'd miss him.


	10. you're pulchritudinous

i rubbed the sleep out of my eyes, looking up to see josh still asleep.

his alarm woke me up, i'm surprised it didn't have the same effect on him. i reached behind me to turn it off, causing josh to stir next to me. his breaths were slow and his heart beat rhythmically in his chest; it almost made me want to go back to sleep. i pouted slightly, knowing i'd have to wake josh up and break the position we were in, but i didn't want him to be late.

"josh."

i got no response, so i leaned up and pressed a kiss to his neck.

"joshy." i drew out, kissing a spot that was sensitive.

that woke him up quick. i was able to see his eyes flutter open in the moonlight that broke through the window.

"ty?" his voice was laced with sleep and might i say,

it was hot.

"your alarm went off. wake up, you have to go." i said softly, not in the mood for loud voices right now.

"your morning voice is sexy." he said out of nowhere, causing a blush to spread across my cheeks and me to hide my face in his chest.

"shut up."

he chuckled, kissing my hair and stretching, his grip around me gone as he reached above his head. i yawned into my hand, getting up out of the bed. i heard the comforter move behind me, josh following me into the bathroom. i didn't bother turning on the lights, and josh seemed to have the same idea, and we both found ourselves taking a shower in the dark.

"are you going to be late?" i asked, pouring the lemon body wash into my palm. **(A.N. oneshots tease)**

"nope, i set the alarm for two hours before i have to go. that way, we won't have to rush." he said.

i nodded, continuing to wash myself. showers didn't consist of anything...extravagant, mainly because i was still a virgin and my first time would _not_ be in the shower. besides, it was two a.m. and we were still kind of tired. there were occasional glances and times where we were more intimate, but other than that, we actually showered. i brushed my teeth while josh washed his hair, closing his eyes and letting the spray of the shower rinse the suds away.

we were finished, and it was currently 2:30. josh had to be at the airport in an hour now. we were both dressed, sitting on the couch while a movie was playing. josh was pressing lazy kisses my lips, hands roaming my body while mine stayed around his neck. he pulled back, examining my face. the dimly lit ceiling lights above us looked nice on his features, shadowing parts of his face.

josh is breathtaking.

he broke out into a small smile of adoration, and i couldn't help but blush underneath his gaze.

"you're so beautiful, tyler." he told me.

"beautiful is a... _strong_ word." i laughed nervously, never really good with compliments and self-esteem.

"you're right. you're pulchritudinous."

"what?" i smiled slightly at his choice of words.

"you're magnificent, charming, handsome, lovely..." i smiled wider at josh, mainly because he was _perfect_ and was finding all of these words that were stronger than beautiful to describe _me._

he grinned, the one where his eyes would crinkle at the corners and his dimples would line his cheeks. he's been doing those a lot lately.

"i love you." i said, the smile plastered across my face wouldn't disappear.

i hated my smile, and josh knew it, but he somehow managed to get me to do it every day. maybe it was his silly jokes or his dorkiness, or the way he dressed or smelled slightly different every time he hugged me. whatever it is, i fell more and more in love with him as the days go by, and i was proud of it.

josh was _mine,_ and nothing would change that.

"i love you, too." i heard him say through my continuous thoughts, and i shut my eyes as he kissed me again, wanting to focus on only that.

love was crazy.

...

"are you sure you have everything?" i asked josh.

"yes, i'm pretty sure."

"alright. be safe, okay? don't miss me too much." i said playfully, smiling a bit wider when i heard josh chuckle.

"i'll try not to."

i looked at the floor, biting my lip and internally debating between whether i should kiss him goodbye or not. josh glanced at my lips before coming up to me, the faint aroma of lavender filling my nose. i looked into his hazel eyes in which were searching my face, for what, i don't know. he reached up and held my face in his hands, stroking my cheek with his thumb. it was a wordless communication of us telling each other everything that words wouldn't be able to make up for the few days we were separated. i leaned into his touch, closing my eyes when i saw him lean in and meet my lips with his. i wrapped my arms around his waist, pulling him closer to me and deepening the kiss.

i put a lot of love in it, to say the least.

he pulled back and rested his forehead on mine, eyes darting back and forth between my own.

"i love you." he said softly.

"i love you, too." i felt my cheeks heat up under his hands, the words making my heart flutter. i gave him a quick peck before hugging him fully for a few seconds, pulling back. "now go before you're late for your plane. don't get in trouble." i crossed my arms unconsciously as i watched him leave.

"bye, ty." he shot me a small smile before walking out the door, shutting it behind him.

i sighed, now having the whole apartment to myself with nothing to do. brendon should be over soon, but until then, i'd have to occupy myself. it was almost three, the sky pitch black. i decided it needed a friend, so i went up to the roof. it was slightly chilly up here, the only thing that could be heard were the light chirps of crickets. i made my way to the ledge, laying down on the thick cement wall and looking up at the stars.

they were twinkling, and i even think i saw a constellation to the left. brendon said something about orion's belt being out soon, and i'm pretty sure it was here. i felt peaceful, stress and worry washing away like the tides of the ocean that the moon brought out tonight. i thought back to the night josh and i kissed for the first time, right underneath these stars. we had a whole conversation about them, comparing each other to the balls of gas and light that littered the galaxy like chicken pox.

except, these were more desirable.

i smiled when i thought about the stars, and i realized that josh was with me now. we were all stars, but there was one in particular that stood out to me.

the brightest one of all was twinkling in such a convenient place – right next to the moon.


	11. surprise

"tyler, christmas is in a few days." brendon said, plopping down next to me and shoving kernels of caramel popcorn into his mouth.

"you're right. any plans?" i asked, hoping that he didn't so that we could celebrate the holidays together.

"i'm probably going to go visit my mom." he said.

brendon's mom lived a few hours out of columbus. she was aging, and sometimes aging brought its unwanted best friend with it. she was ill, and sometimes brendon would get phone calls from the nurse that stayed with her to come see her. i knew how close he was with his mom, and _he_ also knew how long he had left with her; the nurse told him she had about six months depending on the circumstances. it would completely break him, and he would sometimes think too much, and if i wasn't there to calm him down from a panic attack, he would shut down.

it was scary, having your normally talkative friend close in on himself and there was nothing you could do to truly help him.

"is she getting better?" i asked, taking a kernel from the bag and eating it.

"she's the same." brendon shrugged, looking at the ground.

i could tell he was starting to get weary with the subject, so i dropped it. all that was heard was the crinkling of the popcorn bag and spongebob on the television, brendon and i falling into a comfortable silence.

"josh is supposed to be home in a few days!" brendon said excitedly, almost spilling the caramel corn on the floor.

"oh, yeah." i smiled at the thought of josh coming back home to me, and i couldn't wait. i wondered if his sister was okay.

"but now i'm bored." brendon said, letting his body go limp as he fell off the couch, landing on the floor with a thud.

"let's go for a drive." i said, helping him up off of the floor and smiling at his silliness.

...

brendon pulled up to a stoplight, the bright red contrasting with the dark sky.

it was late, maybe around 10pm. the stars weren't out, only the full moon hanging high in the sky.

"so what are you thinking of getting josh for christmas?" brendon asked me.

"he's always telling me how much he likes cats, and i know a breeder who has kittens of all types. i think he'll like it, cats are nice." i said, remembering that i'd have to go to her tomorrow to pick it up.

"that's super sweet." brendon fixed his hair in the mirror before getting on the highway, using the blinker to get into the right lane, closest to the railing.

"what about you and ryan?" i asked.

"wait, how did you know about ryan?"

"so you _are_ dating." i smiled triumphantly at my tiny victory.

"maybe." brendon couldn't hide that small smile that broke through his features and made the apples of his cheeks stand out even more.

"well, what are you going to get him?"

"i got him an accordion." he looked at me. "bitch, don't give me that look. you know how much he talks about them, and he doesn't have one. _yet."_

i rolled my eyes, looking at the sign on the highway.

"look, there's a milkshake place on the next exit." i pointed to the window.

"let's get us some frozen cow juice." brendon got in the next lane.

"what the hell was the guy even doing to the poor cow when he discovered milk? was he like 'hm, i'm thirsty as fuck, let me drink from this cow.'?"

"you know, ty, i wish i could give you an answer."

he pulled up to the place, brendon insisting we go through the drive-thru because _he looked like ass and he didn't want to be seen._ i just got a birthday cake one, brendon getting a plain vanilla.

"i'm going to call you basic." i told him, sipping my milkshake. there were sprinkles and cake pieces in there, making it worth sitting in that drive-thru listening to brendon sing bohemian rhapsody.

he rolled his eyes, turning the dial so the music played louder. "i'm totally going to cover this song one day." brendon said, pointing to the radio for emphasis.

"you should, your voice is amazing." i said.

i noticed brendon kept checking his phone at every stoplight on the way home, smiling slightly each time he unlocked it. he was probably talking to ryan or something. we eventually reached home, me throwing away both of our cups in the trash and flopping on the couch while brendon sprawled himself out on the floor. i groaned as i heard a knock on the door as soon as i laid down. i looked to brendon, really not wanting to get up and answer it, but he shot me a look and rolled over, his back facing me.

"goddammit, brendon."

i trudged to the front door, not even bothering to look through the peephole and opening it. i gasped, smiling brightly as i saw the same person who i've been thinking about for the past few days. i looked back at brendon who was watching us from behind the couch, a knowing smile on his face.

"surprise?" josh made jazz hands at me, smiling brightly.

i couldn't help the grin that spread across my face upon the sight of josh, literally running into him and wrapping my arms around his torso. he returned it, his warm arms bringing a cozy feeling to me. he rocked me back and forth, the hug a lot more drawn out than i expected. not that i minded, i hadn't seen josh in three days, i missed him.

he leaned down at captured my lips in a kiss, a pink tint dusting my cheeks as he held my face in his hands. i missed the feeling of his soft lips on mine, or how soft his touch was against my skin. i missed his presence around the house and how his voice was like warm, runny honey dripping off of pancakes in the morning. he pulled back, giving me a soft smile.

"ugh, get a room, you hoes." brendon rolled his eyes and slumped back on the couch, his feet in the air.

i turned back to josh.

"i thought you weren't going to be here until after christmas?" i asked.

"nope, it was a false alarm. my sister has bronchitis, but should be out in a few days. she said she wanted to meet you." he smiled.

"i can't wait." his sister seemed really cool, so why not?

"okay, well since you're here, i'm gonna go. bye, you two. have fun being... _alone."_ brendon wiggled his eyebrows at us.

i shooed him away, smiling slightly at him.

i helped josh unpack his stuff and ran him a bath, mainly because it was now 12am and he looked dead tired. he was sleeping soundly next to me now while i was still up, thinking about anything and everything. the room was quiet, the only sound was the faint chirps of the crickets outside the window. the moonlight created shadows in the dark room, the soft comforter pooled around my legs as josh slept next to me. i wondered if-

i heard a knock on the front door, pulling me out of my thoughts and making me get up. whatever it was must me _very_ important at 2 in the morning. i stretched as i walked out of the room, rubbing the haziness out of my eyes and looking through the peephole.

what is _he_ doing here?

i opened the door for him, inviting him inside. it was cold as fuck tonight, what was he doing outside?

"hi, tyler." he sniffled. was he sick?

"hey, ryan. is something wrong?" i went to turn on the kitchen lights to see better.

his hair was a mess, eyes puffy and nose red. he nodded in response to my question, sitting on the barstool while i leaned on the counter, ready to listen.

"brendon told me he was going to the grocery store to get milk for the morning, but he never came back. i'm scared that he's...missing or s-something." ryan's voice shook with worry as he wrapped his arms around himself. "did he say he was in trouble?"

 _what?_

"nothing." i shooked my head, thinking about before. "which grocery store?" i asked.

"the one by sixtieth. can you please come with me to find him?"

"of course." this is my bestfriend we were talking about. he actually could be in danger, and i needed to help.

all i was focused on was brendon, i completely forget to tell josh where i was going. hopefully he didn't worry _too_ much when he woke up. i grabbed my coat from the rack and slipped it over my bare torso, along with josh's beanie that he left by the door. i followed ryan out into the chilly air, getting into his car and turning on the heater. i was beginning to worry, too.

bren was fine before he left, why would he go missing now? and to buy milk out of all things? but...

"wait, ryan." i asked, squinting my eyes at him.

"yes?" he looked at me, his hands on the wheel.

"brendon's lactose intolerant."

"i know."

"so why would he be going to the store to get milk?" i asked, trying to make sense of this. it just didn't add up.

i felt calloused hands around my shoulders, as well as a cloth around my nose and mouth, reaching from the backseat. it smelled like cleaning products, the harsh smell burning my nose. my eyes were watering and i was quickly running out of breath, trying to reach for the door handle to _get out._

what the fuck was ryan doing?

the cloth was being pressed into my face even harder, and i was losing consciousness quickly. i was _scared._ i desperately needed to breathe, the fumes from the cloth filling my lungs.

my vision faded into black noise.


	12. get out

i opened my eyes slowly, my body feeling like it's been asleep for years.

i groaned, leaning my head back on the chair i was on. my head was pounding, and my wrists were highly irritated by the tight nylon bounding them together. i looked around, my vision hazy and fading,

i was in a room somewhere, able to see wooden poles holding the foundation up as junk was scattered around the area in the darkness. there was a staircase in which i assumed lead to my freedom, because right now, i was stuck to this chair. my heart beat in panic as i realized that i'd be trapped here with no one to help me. where even am i? i looked around to find a way to get out, the only hope being the door at the top of the stairs.

there was nothing here to help me.

i heard someone jiggle the door open, trying to think of something to do. i shut my eyes and fell limp just the person turned on the light, heavy footsteps coming down the stairs. i heard groaning and a body being thrown next to me, and what i assumed to be rope bounding more wrists together.

"ryan, he's still sleeping. shouldn't he be up by now?" i could barely recognize that voice from somewhere, calling out to the top of the stairs.

"give it a few hours, bro." _ryan._

that piece of shit was dating my best friend, and brendon probably had no idea this was happening.

"i'll wait for this one to wake up. we can't use them now." i thought hard about who this voice belonged to, my idea kept slipping away just as i was confident it was there.

i waited until the guy's heavy footsteps went back up the stairs, shutting off the light. i opened my eyes, adjusting to the faint light coming from the window. it was super dark, the moon shining bright on the objects in the room. it shone down on me and the person next to the chair, glinting off of the ring in his nose.

"josh?" i whisper-yelled, making him stir.

"t-tyler?" he asked, trying to find me in the dark. "what's going on?" he whispered back, his voice low and deep. they probably took him right after he woke up.

"we need to be quiet. someone kidnapped us, and i don't know where we are. are you tied up?"

"yeah, fucker has me against this pole. it's so tight, i can't move at all." i heard josh pull at the rope, but sighed when he couldn't manage to free himself.

"we need to find a way to get out." i said.

"how? we can't."

"maybe there's-"

i stopped when i heard the door open and the light turn on, my heart sinking as i saw a face who i never thought i'd see again. his blonde hair was disheveled and there was light scruff on his face, blue eyes darkened.

"i knew i heard voices down here." he said, a sickening smirk on his face.

"let us go, brent." i said, trying to sound unafraid.

in reality, i was terrified.

"trying to leave so soon? you just got here!"

"and now we want to leave, so let us go." i was getting angry now.

he really thinks it's okay to tie us up down here for what? shits and giggles?

"nope. i think i want to finish what i started."

what is he talking about?

he leaned down to my face, his vodka soaked breath clogging my nose.

"before that fuckwad interrupted us." brent looked over at josh, who flicked him off as best he could with his wrists tied up.

it dawned on me what he meant, and my lungs began collapsing, knocking the breath out at me. i couldn't stop myself from hyperventilating, feeling lightheaded as i fell into a state of panic.

"no, no, no."

anything but that. i was convinced i was dying, my palms sweating and my cheeks heating up. holy fuck,

 _i was going to_ _die._

"what the hell is happening to him?" brent looked confused.

"he's having a fucking panic attack! let me go! i need to help him!" josh pulled against the rope, his eyebrows knitted together in frustration.

"no. he'll be fine."

"please! he could die!" he shouted.

josh and i both knew that i couldn't die from this, but it sure as hell felt like it. i put my head down, trying to focus on breathing as best as i could without letting them see it.

my skin was burning up and involuntary tears were blurring my vision, my chest tight and on _fire._

"he could?" brent asked.

"yes! let me go so i could help him!" josh yelled, pulling against the rope again.

"fine! only because i'm planning on using him later. wouldn't want to be a necropheliac, now would we?"

brent's words disgusted me to no end; knowing what he meant fueled my desire to leave even more, if that was possible. he untied the rope, josh immediately rushing to my side.

"i'm going to see if ryan's back yet. calm him down, josh." brent ordered, going back up the stairs and shutting off the light.

josh kneeled down next to the chair and whispered sweet nothings into my ear, waiting for brent to leave. i calmed down a bit at josh's presence, and he turned to make sure brent was gone before untying the rope from my wrists.

brent was a dumbass.

i stood up, my body feeling weak. i literally fell into his arms, melting into the warm embrace and feeling myself able to breathe normally now.

"ty, are you okay?" josh asked, pulling back and inspecting my face.

i wasn't hurt, but i was scared as hell. how were josh and i supposed to make it out?

i nodded anyway, pointing to the window.

"we need to get out of here." i said, going towards the window.

the moon was still out, the clouds were transparent cotton balls streaked across the navy blue sky, white stars twinkling. the moon allowed me to see the window locks. i pushed my thumb against it, gasping when it opened, my spirits slightly lifted. i pushed it up, causing a shit ton of noise considering the window probably hasn't been used in a long time.

"josh! josh, we're o-"

i turned around to see brent with josh in a headlock, pressing a shiny silver pistol at josh's temple, his finger on the trigger. josh's face was turning red, brent clearly cutting off his airway somehow. i began to panic again, swallowing hard.

"one more move, and i swear to god i will blow his fucking brains out." brent said through gritted teeth.

"okay. okay!" i put my shaking hands up in defense.

"sit back down in that chair."

i met josh's eyes, shooting him a disappointed glance before sitting back down in the chair.

"did you free him?" brent asked josh.

josh kept his lips in a tight line, struggling to get out of brent's grip.

"i said did you fucking untie him?!"

"fuck you." josh spat out.

"answer my question, or i'll kill you!" brent's angry voice made my heart pound out of fear, my hands shaking and my legs weak.

"no! no, he didn't." i quickly said, trying _anything_ to save josh.

"how did you get untied?" brent asked.

"you probably should've checked my pockets." i didn't actually carry anything with me, but brent seemed convinced.

"i'll be back." brent glared at me before smashing the pistol across josh's face, my boyfriend going limp in brent's grip.

"josh!"

"shut the fuck up!" he pointed the gun at me and literally _dragged_ josh upstairs, turning off the light and shutting the door.

holy shit, this was _crazy._ how did josh and i get ourselves in this kind of mess? i heard faint ringing from somewhere in the room, making my way towards the window. josh's phone was lying face first on the floor, vibrating as his ringtone went off and causing a ring of blue glow to surround the phone.

i picked it up with shaking hands, relief washing over me like waves when brendon's contact showed up on the screen. i quickly answered the call, pressing the phone up to my ear.

"josh? where are you? and where's ryan?"

"brendon, you have to help us. josh and i are trapped here!" i whispered into the phone.

"where? tyler, are you alright?" i heard the panic rise in brendon's voice.

"no, brendon, he's-"

i heard the door open and hung the phone up, both brent and ryan coming down the stairs. i quickly slipped the phone into my pocket before ryan grabbed my collar and brought me into the middle of the room. i struggled to get out of his grasp as he pinned my hands behind my back, brent meeting my face.

"you think you're funny, huh? trying to leave me again. it's not so easy, tyler." he said lowly, hot breath ghosting over my lips.

"where is josh?" i turned my face away, asking the question through gritted teeth.

he pressed his thumb and fingers into my cheeks, forcing me to look at him.

 _"why don't you focus on me, tonight?"_ brent sloppily placed his lips on mine, trying to kiss me.

it was wet and messy and _disgusting_ and i wanted to vomit. i grimaced into the kiss, moving in ryan's hands to get him off of my face.

"you just can't learn, _can you?"_ brent asked me, rearing his fist back before colliding with my nose, a look of rage replaced his sadistically calm expression.

i felt blood trickle out on my nose as he punched me again, hard hits causing me face to go numb with every punch. i let my head hang, too weak to hold it up as brent kept _punching_ me. i wanted so desperately to get _out_ of this room, but ryan had a hold on me and i couldn't escape.

i groaned as he punched my stomach, the feeling so uncomfortable and painful at the same time.

why was he doing this to me?

his fist pounded into my stomach again, and again, and _again,_ ryan letting me fall to the ground once brent decided it was enough. my entire face was throbbing and my body was engulfed in flames, my eye swollen and blood running down my mouth. i caved in on myself, somehow thinking it would stop the pain as i watched them walk away from me, turning off the light and shutting the door.

 _i needed to get out._


	13. windows

i was shivering, a draft running through the room and causing goosebumps to form on my skin.

i hadn't seen josh since yesterday. i have no idea if he was alive, hurt, or what. i _needed_ to get out of here, i just didn't know how. i opened my swollen eyes slowly, barely being able to see because of the damage. i probably looked like shit. i felt a vibration in my pocket, hope running through my veins when i realized it was the phone.

it was an incoming call from brendon.

"tyler, what the fuck is happening?" he asked, voice hoarse.

"i'm stuck in like, a basement, or something. they took josh upstairs and i have no idea where he is." i whispered.

"fuck." i could almost see brendon tugging at his hair in frustration. "can't you do one of those 'find my location' things?" he asked.

"i could try." i put the phone on speaker and pressed the home button, deadpanning when i was blocked by a passcode. "bren, i don't know his passcode."

"look outside, tell me if you see any landmarks or something." he said.

i carefully got up, my entire body sore. i slowly made my way over to the dirty, stained window, squinting my eyes as i saw nothing but a cornfield and the bright sun shining down on it.

"it's a cornfield." i said, trying to find anything else. "i think we're in a farmhouse." i said, noticing the small, red farm in the corner of the property.

"i'm going to see if i could get anything out of ryan. maybe he knows where it is."

"he does, considering he fucking drove us here."

"what?"

"he's with brent! they're working together!"

"tyler, seriously? now is no time for stories. ryan wouldn't do that. now, i'll call you back. bye."

i sighed loudly. how did i know he wasn't going to believe me?

i heard the door open, hiding the phone in my pocket and laying on the ground in my same position before he turned on the light.

"i know you're not sleeping, tyler." brent said.

i could hear thumping against the stairs, opening my eyes when i saw josh being thrown next to me. his face was puffy and still bloody, shirt covered in the crimson liquid. he was breathing heavily, unmoving as his back was facing me.

"what did you do to him?" i asked, crawling over to his body.

"just had some fun." brent shrugged.

i glared at him before rolling josh over, inspecting his face.

"josh? can you hear me?" i asked, my hands on his shoulders.

"hi, tyler." he tried his best to smile through his swollen lips.

"what happened?"

"they beat me up. tied my wrists together, duct tape around my mouth, you know. the works. i'll be okay." josh's voice was weak and he was coughing, turning on his side again and resting his head on the floor.

"you two are going to make me cry. seriously." brent said sarcastically, rolling his eyes at us and pushing me to the floor.

"what are you _doing?!"_ i tried to get him off of me, but strong hands were grabbing my clothes, and soon i found myself shirtless on the cold floor, my shirt ripped in half next to me.

"finishing what i started." brent smirked, swiftly yanking down my pants and straddling my hips as he unbuttoned his own.

 _no, no, no. this isn't happening._

"get off!" i threw punches everywhere, managing to hit him in the face, but it only made him angrier and he was soon tugging down my boxers.

he turned me over and pinned my wrists behind my back, calloused hands trailing over my soft skin. i was beginning to panic, feeling helpless and gross that i was letting this happen again. tears slipped out of my eyes at the inevitable. i was weak and powerless, and there was nothing i could do about it.

i was trapped.

i was _so scared,_ he was hovering over me and took all of my control away. i felt disgusting; my mind was nagging me and telling me that there _was_ something i could do about this.

but what?

i shut my eyes tightly, trying to prepare for this. tears were painting clear streaks down my face as i struggled to get out of brent's grip, but i felt him run his hands down my back, making me shut my eyes and try my best not to react. i heard wood breaking and brent's body falling off of mine, seeing him unconscious lying next to me. i quickly pulled my boxers up, sitting up and scooting away from him. i was breathing heavily, my heart thumping in my ears. i wrapped my arms around my knees, trying to protect myself just in case he woke up.

 _that was too close._

i hid my face in my shaky hands. i couldn't stop the flow of tears from escaping my eyes, sobs racking my body. that was the scariest thing that's ever happened to me, he almost _took my innocence away._ he was _so close_ to making me lose the one thing that only i could have.

i felt arms wrap around me, crying harder as josh whispered comforting words into my ear. he rubbed circles into my back as i clung onto his bloodied tshirt, kissing the top of my head.

"josh..." i was shaking, realizations of what _could've_ happened if josh hadn't been down there to save me flooding my head.

"i'm here, baby. it's okay. you're okay." his soft voice to me was like the sun shining on a really cold day.

with time, i had stopped crying, wiping my eyes and putting my pants back on. my shirt was ripped up, but josh's flannel was still on the floor of the room from yesterday. i stood up with josh, helping him walk towards the window, apologizing every so often when he hissed in pain from the movements. brent was still knocked out on the floor, the chair broken in pieces on the next to him. i made my way over to the window, opening it and checking to see how far down it was from here. the ground was right under my feet.

"josh, come on, let's go!" i called, helping him make it to the window.

i squeezed through the small opening, looking around at the cornfields before grabbing josh's hand and helping him make it out the window. it was incredibly hot, but i had faith that we were going to make it out this time, smiling slightly at how close we were to escaping.

 _how close we are to_ _freedom._

josh groaned as he pushed himself out the window, holding onto me for support. i saw a pathway that was bare of cornstalks, my guess being that was the exit.

we slowly made our way over to the pathway to find an old, red truck, grey smoke coming out of the engine and the driver's seat open. who's was this?

i turned around to see ryan knocking on the door to the house, waiting for a response from brent. it seemed like he was dropping something off. josh noticed this, too, looking at me. now was our chance.

as fast as i could, i helped josh make it to the passenger's side, running around the front of the car and getting in the driver's seat. i put the car in drive and stepped on the gas pedal, speeding out of the pathway.

"hey! what are you doing?!" ryan called as i drove from the farmhouse, following the clear path.

josh was leaning against the window, looking in the side mirror to see ryan running after the noisy truck, but was lost in the dust clouds.

"where are we?" josh asked.

i pulled his phone out of my pocket, handing it to him. he was able to get directions back home. we were an hour and a half out of town on someone's ranch. it didn't even belong to brent.

all i knew is that i was glad we were out of there, and i was so relieved that we _made it._ i saw the big farmhouse disappear in the rearview mirror, finally making it onto a main street. i couldn't wait to get back home and see my bestfriend, just to make sure he was okay and that we were actually safe this time.

"tyler." josh said, looking at me.

"yeah?"

"we fucking did it." a small smile stretched across his lips.

i couldn't help but smile with him, noticing how other cars were passing us. we weren't alone anymore, and we were finally away from brent.

this was unbelievable.


	14. merry belated christmas

brendon literally hugged the life out of us when we returned to the apartment, immediately taking us to the emergency hospital. we were fine, our bruises and cuts healing normally by now. it was traumatic, to say the least, something that i would never forget for a long time. i was just happy nothing seriously bad happened to us. brendon had called the police prior to us coming back, and by the time we got there, they had already checked brent's room.

they just didn't know where he was.

that left a weariness over me; brent was still out there and he was alive. he knew where we lived; what if he tries to hurt us again? josh told me to try not to think about it, but it still creeped into my thoughts every now and then.

christmas passed already, but the breeder was nice enough to let me pick up the cat for josh even after the holidays. josh somehow was able to get me my presents on time, and of course i was late with getting his. i was carrying the giant box into the living room now, the kitten meowing softly inside. i left a little space for the cat to breathe and not feel so trapped, but josh was walking down the hall right now and was wondering why i was struggling to hold a giant, wiggling box.

"ty, what is that?" josh pointed to the box, scratching the back of his neck with his free hand.

"a present." i replied, smiling slightly.

the top of the box fell off, the kitten peering at josh from inside of it with its big, blue eyes.

"no fucking way. no _way!"_ josh squealed over the kitten, picking it up from the box.

it immediately purred and rubbed his face against josh's hand, making him coo.

"merry belated christmas, babe." i said.

"merry belated christmas?"

"you know what i mean."

he stuck his tongue out and smiled at me, petting the cat's soft fur.

"thank you so much, ty. really, this is the second best present i've ever gotten."

"what was the first?" i asked, curious.

"well, on october tenth, i saw this really cute guy who was super tired sitting with his bestfriend-"

"stop." i smiled, lightly punching his shoulder. "you're so cheesy."

"you love it."

"maybe." i looked up at the ceiling in mock thought. i did. "but seriously, you deserve it. i'm glad i could make you happy through this." i gestured to the cat in josh's arms.

he set it down, reaching up to cup my face in his hands, my cheeks slightly squished.

"tyler, i want you to know that you don't need to get me gifts for me to be happy with you. just being with you is enough to make me feel like i'm on cloud nine. don't ever forget that, okay?"

i blushed under his gaze, honestly not expecting that. he was too sweet, i didn't deserve him.

"i love you." i said, a smile slowly spreading across my face as i took josh's words to heart.

"i love you, too." josh kissed me slowly. it wasn't heated, but it was still passionate and got his point across.

the cat let out a loud meow, interrupting me and josh. i laughed at it, going to dispose of the box somewhere while josh played with the cat. i came back, sitting back on the couch. the cat jumped on the into my lap, curling into a ball and just...laying there.

 _alright._

"what should we name her?" josh asked.

"i don't know. i think we should name her something cute."

"how about tyler?"

"i said something cute, josh." i shot him a playful look and scratched the soft, grey cat behind its white ear, smiling when i heard her purr.

"and i then i said tyler."

"but that's not even a girl's name."

"see, now you're being sexist."

"what?" i shot him an incredulous look.

"tyler could be a girl's name. and i think we should name it tyler."

"okay, tyler it is, then."

cool.

...

"tyler!" josh called from the studio, catching my attention from the kitchen.

i was trying my hand at homemade cat food, we ran out of dry kibble yesterday and weren't leaving until later to go to the store. i poured the cat food into tyler's bowl, who was already strolling into the studio. i followed her, hit with the smell of vanilla and pine incense as well as paint. i saw josh in that same color covered shirt, taking off his glasses upon seeing me.

"hi, tyler. hi, tyler."

the cat meowed, standing on her hind legs and pawing at my shins. i picked her up, hearing her purr and felt her soft face rub against mine. tyler was adorable.

"hi. you called?"

"yes, i wanted to give you something."

josh took the canvas off of the easel, turning it over and showing me, his hazel eyes peeking over the top of it. paint streaked the canvas, primary and secondary colors blending together to create beautiful hues on it. i noticed how the pink, pouty lips and the brown eyes in the painting looked, stretched across white teeth in a smile. he even added the dimples.

"josh," i set the cat down, pressing my hand over my heart, "this is absolutely beautiful."

it literally felt like i was looking into a mirror. a pretty mirror that made everything look amazing. he went through all this trouble to paint a portrait of me when he never asked me to model for him.

"how did you paint all of this without me being in front of you?" i asked, holding the painting in my hands.

"i could never forget what you look like, ty." he gave me a look, smiling slightly.

"you're amazing." i blushed.

he pressed his lips to my forehead, the incense rubbing off on him and catching in my nose.

"merry belated christmas."


	15. lies

it was sunday, and josh was sleeping in our bed.

i told him i'd be there in about thirty minutes, but that was an hour ago and _dammit,_ my hand hurts. not even half the page was full and i wanted death. this is too much. i should've listened to josh and studied with him on friday, but did i?

nope.

why?

because i was almost done with supernatural and things are getting good, sue me.

i decided i needed a break, and the roof's never failed me before. just as i was about to get up from the couch,

 _knock! knock!_

brendon.

"come in!" i shouted, loud enough for him to hear but quietly so josh wouldn't wake up.

"hey, ty." brendon said, running a hand through his hair and shutting the door.

i looked up at him, placing the textbook on the table while he sat down in front of me.

"do you want to tell me what happened?" he asked, crossing his legs and facing me.

"with brent?"

"yeah. what did he do?"

and i told him everthing. from the first day to the last, everything that happened exactly the way it did. i wanted to tell him about ryan, knowing he wouldn't believe me. but he kept asking _what about ryan?_

"he fooled me into getting into his car. he said you needed to get milk from the store at two in the morning." i rolled my eyes, disappointed that i would even believe that.

"but i don't drink milk." brendon squinted his eyes at me.

"i know."

"this makes no sense, tyler."

"brendon, i'm telling you. ryan was in on this."

"ty, you're my bestfriend, and you know that. are you sure you were one hundred percent there when everything happened?" he placed his hands in mine, looking at me.

he only does that when he's trying to convince someone.

i blinked at him. is he kidding?

"i think i would know what happened before i was drugged."

"sometimes chloroform makes you woozy."

i pulled my hands away from him, knowing exactly what he was trying to say.

"i wouldn't fucking lie about this! ryan took me there and was working with that piece of shit _brent_ to try and use me and josh! that's the truth!" i stood up, clenching my fists at my sides, angry.

"tyler, you're being ridiculous!"

"no, i'm not! ryan is not who you think he is!"

"maybe _you're_ not who i think you are." he furrowed his eyebrow, standing up as well.

"we've been friends since third grade, dumbass. don't you think _now's_ a little too late to be saying shit like that?"

"why wouldn't ryan tell me about this?"

"why would he? he's trying to get on your good side for this exact reason!"

"you're crazy." he shook his head, walking towards the door.

"brendon-"

"shut up, tyler! just shut up. you just want to get in between us, which is fine. i'll cut you out if i have to. ryan's one of the best things that's happened to me, and i won't let anyone change that. not even _you."_

i didn't respond, too shocked to say anything. is he really picking some _boy_ over me? the one who's been there all his life, standing by his side, over someone who he just hugs and kisses all the time?

i was so upset, sighing loudly and wiping away involuntary tears sliding down my flushed cheeks as brendon slammed the door shut. i wasn't sad about it, though. you know when you get really mad, and all you could do is cry?

this was unbelievable.


	16. jocelyne

"ty, come on! we're going to be late for the flight!" josh called by the front door.

i was slipping black vans on, almost ready to go. it was 3am, josh and i were going to visit his sister in california. i was nervous – what if his sister hated me? what if she thought i was weird?

"josh, i'm scared." i said.

"why?"

"she's gonna think bad of me."

"she's really not."

"if she does can i leave back home?"

"sure." i could almost see him rolling his eyes, knowing that i wouldn't. i was being overdramatic, his sister wouldn't be that mean.

i met him in the living room, grabbing my suitcase. we heard a knock on the door, opening it to see pete and patrick with wide smiles, beaming at us.

"hey, tyler and josh." patrick said, pressing down the top of his fedora that was a _tiny_ bit too big on his head.

"hi, guys. are you all set?" i asked.

"yeah, tyler will be fine. she's in the hands of two great cat experts." pete said, placing a hand on his chest to emphasize his point.

"right. she likes climbing on things, please keep her out of our room. we've replaced those curtains twice already. thank you guys for doing this."

"no problem. have fun, you two!" they entered the house just as josh and i were leaving.

"you, too! and don't do anything strange in my bed." i pointed two fingers at my eyes and back to them, causing patrick to blush and his eyes to widen.

josh laughed, waving at them before shutting the door.

"it's weird. usually brendon would be doing this right now." i said, pouting.

brendon hadn't spoken to us since the day he exploded at me, saying he needed time to figure things out with ryan. i knew he wouldn't just drop me like that, but it sucks when your bestfriend doesn't talk to you and it _sucks_ when they're going through something you can't help them with. even though he was an ass that night, i just hoped he was okay.

"ty, you're thinking. talk to me." josh said, looking at me as we stepped into the elevator.

"i miss brendon." it probably sounded stupid, but i did.

"he'll come around. just give him a little space."

"you're right. i'm being too clingy."

"no, i totally get it. he's your bestfriend, you have a right to be worried. i'm just saying not to worry too much, you know?"

"i know. thank you."

he nodded and smiled, unlocking the car and shoving our suitcases in the trunk. they were heavy, even though we'd only be there for a few days. i was excited, josh's sister seemed super nice. i hoped that she was doing okay, too. i know she was sick, but josh said she should be out by now.

the car ride was filled with a comfortable silence, just enjoying being in each other's company while driving to the airport. the sun was just beginning to peek from the sky, dark oranges mixing in with the black sky as the moon still shone brightly. there were few cars on the shadowed street, josh and i being one of the only ones out here.

my phone vibrated in my back pocket, the caller i.d. displaying brendon's name. my heart beat faster at the thought of finally talking to my bestfriend again, sliding the green button across the screen.

"he-"

"i'm sorry." he cut me off.

"what?"

"i'm so sorry, tyler. i should've believed you. i'm a dumbass."

"is this about ryan?"

"yeah. he told me he was just doing it for money. fuck that."

"so what did you do?" i asked.

"i called the cops on his ass, too. how does he thinks it's okay to partake in some shit like that? knowing you're my bestfriend all for like, what, five hundred bucks? i legit thought he was joking, but i saw the money in his drawer."

"is he in jail with brent or something?"

"they found brent, finally. as for ryan, they're still questioning him, but i hope they take him in, too. that was fucked." he sighed. "are you okay, though?" he asked.

"i can't forget it, but i'm just really happy we made it out." i said, glancing at josh. his attention was fixed on the road. "but how are you with this whole thing?"

"i'm alright. it kinda bites when you find out your ex helped some dick keep your bestfriend hostage, but i mean, i'll get over it. i'm sorry for being an asshole. i know you wouldn't lie to me but i just..." i could almost see him shrug.

i saw the airport come into view. "i get it, bren. but family comes first, and they're always there for each other. _always."_

"i know. thank you."

"alright. call me if you need anything, okay? i'll see you tuesday. love you, bren."

"love you more. bye, ty."

i hung up the phone with him, looking at josh again. he seemed deep in thought, his eyebrows pulling together every so often as his hazel eyes scanned the road.

"what are you thinking about?" i asked, waiting until he fully parked the car to get out and meet him by the truck to get my suitcase.

"just...what if we _hadn't_ made it out? what if brent actually succeeded in finishing what he started? he hurt you, tyler. and i couldn't protect you." he rubbed a hand down his face, sighing and opening the trunk.

"josh, it wasn't your fault. it was mi-"

"no, it wasn't! you didn't deserve that! i could've done something to help. i'm sorry, tyler."

my heart sunk into the pit of my chest.

"there was nothing you could do. it's okay! what matters is that we both made it, right?"

"but tyler-"

"no buts. we're fine and still with each other." i said, trying to take his mind off of it. "stop worrying so much, okay?"

he sighed.

"okay."

we crossed the street, entering the airport. it was fairly empty, but there were still a lot of people waiting in line for their tickets. after what seemed like an eternity, josh and i were finally searching through the food court to decide what we wanted for breakfast.

"josh!" i shouted, seeing a bakery right in front of me.

"what?" he asked, startled at my sudden outburst.

"they have cinnamon rolls!" i said, literally dropping my suitcase and _running_ to it.

there wasn't a long line, now was my chance.

"tyler!" i heard josh call from behind me, but i still kept running.

i received looks from people sitting at tables, probably wondering why a grown ass man was running through the food court over cinnamon rolls. i finally made it, ordering two of them. i smelled the fresh dough and cinnamon fill my nose, making me crave it even more.

i paid the guy and returned to josh, who was struggling to hold all of our stuff.

"thanks, josh." i said, giving him a cinnamon roll while taking my stuff from him.

"uh huh." he shot me a playful glare, taking a bite of his cinnamon roll as we waited at a table for our plane to be called.

...

"josh! hi!" his sister's voice ran through my ears as she engulfed him in a hug.

"hey, jocelyne." he smiled, hugging her tightly. "are you feeling better?"

"yup, the bronchitis went away. did you bring-"

josh moved out from in front of me, letting jocelyne see. she gasped.

"tyler!" she pulled me into a hug, too, causing me to smile and feel welcome.

i hugged her back, leaning down a bit because she was a teeny bit shorter than me.

"it's so nice to finally meet you! you know, when i was in the hospital, all josh talked about was you. literally everything he said was tyler, tyler, tyler." she deadpanned.

josh's face flushed red as he shot her a look. "that is so untrue."

"why're you always lying?" she asked, opening the door wider and taking our stuff inside.

jocelyne was prettier in person. she had long, dyed, light pink hair, almost like josh's. her nose was straight and she had a stud in it, as well as a silver ring in her red painted lips. she was gorgeous.

"make yourselves at home, later we could go out for dinner or something. whatever you wanna do, let me know." jocelyne said, smiling and setting our stuff down in our bedroom.

we nodded, thanking her before she disappeared out of the doorway.

"see, she's nice." josh said, unpacking his things.

"and pretty." i added.

he smiled, putting his clothes in the drawers and i did the same. we took our shoes off and fell onto the bed, looking at the ceiling and talking. it was the afternoon now, the sun shone white light in the blue sky, pouring through the windows.

"new year's is coming up." josh said.

"should we have a party?" i asked, tracing circles onto his chest as i rested on him.

"like a small get together. i don't want any of brent's friends to trash it if it's open, you know?"

"yeah, i get you."

we stayed in bed until around 8pm, josh waking me up from sleep. i get jetlagged easily, and flying four and half hours from home took a toll on me. he said jocelyne wanted to take us out for dinner, in which i was excited for. california had really nice restaurants and i'd get to know jocelyne a little bit more. i stretched, going into the bathroom to brush my teeth and wash my face.

we didn't bring suits, but we still dressed in our nicest outfits before leaving the house. jocelyne met us downstairs, her hair curled and flowed down to her waist. her makeup with a little heavier, but nothing too drastic. she was wearing a long sleeved black dress and strappy wedges to match.

"you look amazing." i complimented upon seeing her, smiling.

"aw, thanks, ty. you look great yourself." she smiled, red lips pulled over white teeth. "you guys ready to go?"

we nodded, getting into the backseat of jocelyne's car. the car ride was just filled with all three of us blasting music from the aux and singing along to it. it hasn't even been a day and jocelyne feels like one of my best friends already. we pulled into the lot of expensive looking cars, me being self-conscious about my outfit. i was dressed in a navy blue vest and button up, tight, white jeans and dress shoes.

what if everyone was wearing suits and gowns in the restaurant?

josh must've noticed how i kept glancing to my clothes and fixing the bracelet brendon gave me on my wrist.

"ty, you look great." he said, making me smile slightly.

"thank you."

"are you worried about how you look, tyler?" jocelyne asked.

"what if i'm underdressed? they might look at me weird." i said, getting out of the car with them.

"you're fine. people dress like, classy casual in here; it's all good. and if they say something, i'm not afraid to kick some ass." she pointed a manicured finger at me, smiling afterwards to try to make me feel better.

which it did, let me tell you.

we walked in, josh quickly kissing my cheek for reassurance before the lady showed us a table. it was downright fancy in here, a giant bar in the middle of the restaurant as well as chandeliers distributed throughout the room. the tables were covered with white table cloths and a vase of roses, bringing a pop of color to the dull cloth. it smelled nice in here, like lavender.

i wondered if they had caviar.

we sat down, jocelyne pulling out a pocket mirror from her handbag to make sure she looked okay before turning her attention back to josh and i on the other side of the table. he trailed his hand down, slipping his fingers in between mine as jocelyne told the waitress what she wanted to drink. i just got a water while josh got a cocktail (i didn't even know he drank those).

"so, how are you two?" jocelyne asked. "everything okay?"

"yeah, we're better now." i looked to josh who shot me a small smile.

"now?"

"this guy who i knew kinda took me and josh to his basement. he kept us there for like, three days and..." i trailed off, memories of the incident flooding back to me. i didn't mind talking about it, i just hated thinking about it.

"holy shit."

"we're okay, though." josh said, squeezing my hand lightly underneath the table.

"that's a big deal. you could've gotten killed." her expression was serious, eyebrows furrowed, creating lines in her forehead.

"but we didn't." josh said, voice a little louder than it should've been. that's literally what he was talking about before we got here.

jocelyne sighed, flipping through the menu and resting her head on her hand. josh let go of my hand, looking through the menu as well. there was an uncomfortable silence that showered us, me looking around to try and make the situation lighter.

"so, jocelyne." i started.

"yes?"

"i hear you are a photographer."

that's when i learned that jocelyne was offered a second scholarship for a different university, one that was bigger and one of the best schools in the state. she and josh both had their artwork in a museum exhibit in new york, where a ton of people go just to see. i was proud of the both of them.

"what are you studying, tyler?" jocelyne asked, stabbing her salad with a fork and eating it.

"i'm a forensics major, but i don't know." i shrugged, poking at my mashed potatoes.

"what do you mean?"

"i'm having fun in forensics, but i really like music. brendon's a music major, he said it's one of the best decisions he's ever made. i don't know if it's too late to switch."

"it's never too late, tyler. switch out."

"i don't know how."

"i'll help you. give me your number and call me whenever you want the help. i'll make sure you switch." jocelyne pulled out her phone, waiting for me to tell her my number.

"really?" i asked. she was willing to do that?

"of course."

i smiled, telling her my number and enjoying the rest of the dinner. jocelyne was really sweet, and i don't know how i'll repay her for that. all i thought about was how fun it would be to be a musician. i'd probably get gigs in coffee shops with only twelve people, though. it'd be hard to get popular in the industry, maybe i should just keep studying forensics?

i didn't know how much time i had to decide, but right now, we were at jocelyne's house and i was tired again. all i wanted was to sleep.

"thank you for taking us out, jocelyne." i said, grateful even though my face didn't show it.

"anytime. have a good night, babe." she said, going upstairs into her room.

i looked to josh next to me. he's been quiet all night.

"josh, are you alright? you haven't spoken."

he shrugged, sighing and unbuttoning his shirt, following me into the room.

"talk to me." i said, sitting on the bed.

"i'm just thinking about my parents. i forgot what they look like, i haven't seen them in so long. i don't even know if they're even alive right now." he went into the bathroom, turning the shower on.

"what made you think of them?" i asked, taking off my shoes.

"being with you and jocelyne. not that being with you makes me think negatively," he looked at me through the mirror, "but having a boyfriend's what made them hate me. i wonder if they still do."

"i'm sure they don't _hate_ you, josh. they just don't understand that love is love, no matter your gender. jocelyne knows, that's why she's with you. it's because she loves and really cares about her brother. it's not your fault that they don't get it. what matters is that _you_ get it. so what if they don't approve of you dating boys? they're not you. i think-"

i squealed in surprise as josh tackled me to the bed, wrapping his strong arms around me. he buried his face in my neck, soft hair tickling my cheek and making me laugh.

"tyler, i love you." his voice was muffled in my shoulder, breath causing the hairs to stand up on my skin.

"i love you, too, but...why?" i asked.

"because you're right. i've spent so much time trying to meet my parent's standards. thank you for telling me that it's okay to not give a fuck about other people's opinions." he pulled back, a happy smile on his face.

"josh dun, you're cute." i said, admiring his pink dusted cheeks and beautiful smile.

he leaned down and bumped his nose with mine, our foreheads touching.

"you're amazing."


	17. beach day

"get up, you two! the beach is going to get crowded!" jocelyne called, hitting both of us with our pillows.

"jocelyne!" josh groaned, hiding his face in the covers.

"up!"

he uncovered his hand to flick her off, causing her to laugh.

"i love you, josh."

"i hate you."

i rubbed the sleep out of my eyes, squinting because of the brightness in the room. i was able to see a blurry jocelyne in a pinkish orange bikini, a white beach dress over it and sunglasses perched on top of her pulled back hair. she was glowing in the sunlight, waiting for us to get up.

"jocelyne, did you know you're actually really pretty?" i asked.

"aw, really? josh, find another boyfriend, i'm dating tyler now."

"tyler's gay!" he said from underneath the covers, his voice deep with sleep.

"i'll be straight for you, jocelyne."

she playfully punched my shoulder, laughing. "go get ready, you freaks. meet me downstairs."

she left the room, leaving me to try and get josh up.

"joshy." i went over to his side of the bed.

he covered his head again, snuggling into the pillow. he hummed in disagreement, turning on his back. i quickly got on top of him, straddling his hips and making him open his eyes slightly.

"wake up, babe. we've got to go." i said, placing my hands on his bare chest.

"i don't wanna." he pouted.

i leaned down, kissing his lips. when i pulled back, he was smiling.

"what was that for?" he asked, placing his hands on my hips.

"now you're smiling." i poked his dimples, making him cover his cheeks with his hands.

josh looked gorgeous on top of the pure white sheets, pink hair wild against the pillow. the sunlight lit up the bed, glinting off of his nose ring. just being here with him gave me a warm-fuzzy feeling in my stomach.

josh was like clean clothes that were fresh out the dryer, like the right amount of cream in your coffee when you need to wake up. he was the dew on flower petals in the morning, a simple thing that could make anyone happy. he was greater than the universe, the entire _galaxy_ in his soul, but he somehow managed to love me.

 _i_ somehow managed to have _him._ by some freak chance, out of the seven billion people on this earth, josh came to me.

and i was the luckiest guy on earth to call this ball of sunshine mine.

"josh, you're beautiful." i smiled slightly, observing his face. i trailed my eyes from his light eyebrows to his pretty eyes, to his defined jawline and the scruff on his chin.

"what makes you say that?" he asked, searching my eyes.

"what makes me not say it? i think it all the time, but sometimes i forget to tell you. i just think you're beautiful." i shrugged, looking down.

he smiled again, intertwining our fingers and moving his elbows in figure eights.

"i don't deserve you." he said, shaking his head to emphasize his point and smiling slightly.

"you're right. you deserve someone better, but i'm going to do everything i can to be the best."

"don't think that. i can't imagine myself with anyone more perfect than you. you're amazing, and i can't help falling in love with you." josh reached up and placed his hand on my cheek.

i had nothing but adoration for this guy. he's actually the sweetest person ever, i'm just glad that he was mine.

"i love you, too." i leaned down and met his lips with mine in a soft kiss.

it was short and sweet, making me feel like doing backflips nonetheless. it was-

"josh! tyler! what are you guys doing?" jocelyne called from the stairs, interrupting my thoughts.

josh smiled and rolled his eyes, me getting off of him and leading him to the bathroom.

"shower?" i asked.

"let's be quick."

...

jocelyne, josh, and i had a fun time at the beach.

the sun was hot, but i didn't feel like melting this time. josh insisted on us making a sand castle, but the waves were too strong and it kept washing it away. we did manage to find some seashells and a starfish, though. we were on our way back home now, josh cursing himself that he didn't use any sunscreen and we were at the beach since ten in the morning.

it's six now.

"josh, you know you could get skin cancer from the sun." jocelyne said into the rearview mirror.

"i know. i didn't think i would burn like this, though." he hissed in pain as he pressed a hand on his arm, leaving a print that disappeared into his red skin slowly.

"stop touching yourself, you're gonna irritate it." i scolded, shooing his hand away.

he smirked at me, wiggling his eyebrows. i rolled my eyes, smiling slightly at josh's immaturity.

"you're gross." i said, looking out the window at the shops nearby.

"but you love me." he said.

"maybe. let's see if they have aloe vera at the drugstore." i said.

jocelyne nodded, getting off on the nearest exit and we soon found ourselves pulling up into a parking spot in front of an open walgreens. i went in quickly, grabbing the biggest bottle of aloe vera and paying for it at the front, the lady locking the door behind me as i left.

we finally made it home, josh sitting on the bed slowly to try and not hurt himself. i poured some of the aloe vera into my hands, nodding at josh to ask if it was okay to rub on him. he nodded back, blowing out a breath as i pressed the gel into his skin. i made sure he was completely covered in it, rubbing it in.

"do you want me to run you a cool bath?" i asked.

"yes, please." he said, making a face at his stinging skin.

i felt bad, but i couldn't do anything else to help him. he went into the bathroom after i told him the water was ready, so i waited on the bed for him to finish up. jocelyne knocked on the door, opening it after i told her to come in.

"hey, tyler." she said, smiling.

"hi, jocelyne."

"i need to ask you something. how long have you and josh been dating?"

"about two and a half months now."

"do you see yourself with him in the future?"

i searched the ceiling in thought. it was kind of early to think about it now, though. i heard that wise men say only fools rush in, but i couldn't think of myself with anyone else.

i nodded and said yes.

"does he treat you nicely?"

"he's amazing." i smiled sincerely.

"and do you know if he loves you?"

"he does. when he doesn't say it, he definitely shows it."

"okay. goodnight." she got up to leave.

"wait, why did you ask me those questions?" i asked.

"i just want to make sure you're happy, tyler. you and him both. he's had a rough childhood with our crazy parents and all; he deserves someone like you. thank you."

"for what?"

"being with him. i've never seen him this happy, not even with past boyfriends."

i smiled at that, nodding my head in understanding. she waved to me before leaving the room. it was heartwarming hearing that, i made josh noticeably happier.

nice.

i heard the bathroom door open, seeing a slightly less red josh exit the bathroom with pajama bottoms on.

"the bathroom is free." he smiled, a look of pain shooting across his face when his skin stretched.

"josh, why didn't you dry off all the way?" i asked, noticing the glistening drops of water on his chest and shoulders.

"i'm gonna let mother nature do her thing." he shrugged, a few drops falling down his chest.

"it's cold."

"my skin is hot."

i shrugged entered the bathroom, washing off my sticky body before meeting josh in bed. we didn't cuddle like we normally did, mainly because i didn't want to hurt him and he was still wet. why he didn't dry off before he went to sleep?

i don't know.


	18. she's horny

"bye, jocelyne. it was so nice meeting you. thank you for everything." i said, waving goodbye to josh's sister.

"bye, ty. have a safe flight. make sure my brother stays out of trouble! love you!" she called as i put my suitcase in the car.

"love you, too." i chuckled, mainly because jocelyne was like a bestfriend and i'd honestly miss her.

josh waved one last time to his sister before we were on our way back home to ohio. i was anticipating our warm bed again, having to wake up early to leave this morning. josh turned down a quiet street and there was nothing but silence in the car, as well as the engine running.

i wondered if i should just stay in the forensics program. it was fun, and easiest just to stay put. i would love to play instruments and sing songs from the heart, really. but-

my phone vibrated in my pocket, pete's contact flashing from the screen.

"hello?" i asked, looking out the window.

"tyler!" pete seemed panicked.

"pete? are you alright?"

"yeah, yeah, but tyler-"

"what?"

"tyler's walking around the apartment and making really strange noises. she's crawling on the floor all weird!"

 _"what?"_

"yeah, she's like making yowling sounds and rolling on the floor! is she okay?"

i covered the phone with my hand so pete couldn't hear me, turning to josh for help.

"tyler's being weird." i said.

"how?" he glanced at me before turning his attention back on the road.

"yowling sounds and strange positions?"

"how old did the breeder say she was?" josh squinted his eyes in thought.

"about six months."

"ask him if she's being clingy." josh said, making a left by the light.

"is she being clingy?" i asked pete.

"yes! she won't stop rubbing herself against pete's ankles! he almost tripped over her."

"yes." i told josh, waiting for an answer.

"she's in heat."

"what?"

"she's horny." josh said with a shrug, parking the car in the lot across from the airport.

"pete?" i uncovered my hand from the phone.

"yeah?"

"she's in heat."

"what?"

"she's horny."

the line was silent for a long time, me trying to stifle my giggles as i could imagine pete's face right now.

"o-okay." pete said, voice soft.

"she will be fine, don't worry. we'll be there in a few hours. love you."

"uh huh."

pete hung up the phone and i laughed, causing josh to smile as we got our suitcases out of the trunk.

"will this go on for a long time?" i asked, not really wanting to trip over our cat and accidentally kill her. we just got her, and i like tyler.

"hopefully a week at most. she's going to be up all night with that calling."

josh intertwined our fingers as we crossed the street, the simple gesture creating a bubbly feeling to rise in my chest. we waited in line to check our tickets before going straight into the food court.

"tyler! look!" josh pointed to the familiar purple bell on top of a stand.

"taco bell!" i said, suddenly in the mood for tacos.

"i wonder if they have the twelve for twelve deal." josh said, thinking to himself.

"let's go find out." i said, dragging both josh and our suitcase behind me.

...

we finally arrived after a few hours, thanking pete and patrick before falling onto our bed.

we didn't change or anything, but i was tired as hell and tyler wouldn't stop calling. it was so loud, and she sounded like she was dying.

"josh, are you sure tyler's okay?"

"one hundred percent. she just wants a boy cat."

"let's give her a boy cat." i said, tilting my head to the side. who was i to deny her that right?

"and have a shit ton more kittens? tyler, we barely have enough money to eat tacos."

"are tacos all you think about?"

"no!" josh shot me an incredulous look, turning up to the ceiling again. "yes."

i rolled my eyes, smiling and shifting so that i was on my side and resting my head on his chest.

"josh?" i looked up at him through my eyelashes.

"yeah?"

"i love you." i said, just to remind him in case he forgot.

"i love you, too." he smiled, leaning down and kissing my head.

just then, i felt tiny paws sink into my thighs, climbing up and settling herself between josh and i. she was yowling again, rubbing her face on my stomach.

"tyler!"

she looked up at me with big, blue eyes, stalking over to my face and pressing her nose against mine.

okay, she was cute.

"you two are adorable." josh smiled, petting tyler's ear.

it kind of felt like we had a little family.

sure, we weren't even close to _thinking_ about getting married, but it was nice to have an idea of what it would be like. tyler was kind of like a child, needing attention and care. josh was like the mom who knew every single thing and i was the dad that was trying to survive and not kill our kid, asking for help on anything and everything.

the notion warmed my heart, being next to josh and playing with tyler.

if this is what the rest of my life would be like, i certainly wouldn't mind it.


	19. ellyn

i heard the alarm clock go off, groaning in annoyance and pressing the button on my phone for it to stop.

i rolled over to wake josh up, stopping for just a second.

sunlight poured through the window, lighting up josh's sleeping frame. the comforter was spread just below his torso, the waistband of his boxers peeking out from the covers. his chest was rising and falling at a steady pace, eyelids closed while dark lashes curled upwards away from his cheeks. his lightly arched eyebrows were a bit messed up, a few hairs sprawled out. i gently brushed them into place with my fingers, causing josh to furrow his brows for a split second before he shifted into a new position, all while his eyes were closed. his hand was now resting on the pillow beside his head, turning his face towards me.

he was wonderful.

but, we needed to wake up, otherwise we would be late for class.

"joshy." i said, poking his cheek.

he opened his eyes slowly, looking at me with his light eyes.

"huh?" he asked, covering his face again with the duvet.

"we have to get up for school." i said, sitting up slowly and painstakingly getting out of the warm, soft bed.

i heard shuffling, in which i assumed was josh trying his best to leave the comfy bed as well, turning on the light to the bathroom and running a shower. josh got ready while i brushed my teeth and washed my face in the sink. i'll take a shower at night, but right now, these bathroom lights were killing my eyes and it was already ten-thirty.

we quickly got dressed, josh insisting on eating cereal while i just ate a banana. i hated eating breakfast, _lunch_ was where it was at. we left the apartment, grabbing our backpacks and starting the walk to the campus, which wasn't far at all. we saw patrick and pete walking hand in hand, smiling and laughing about something the other person said. they waved to us, going the opposite way to music.

speaking of which, i needed to change my major.

"did you call jocelyne about the switch?" josh asked, sliding his hand into mine and intertwining our fingers.

"not yet. would she be busy now?" i asked.

"nope, you got her until twelve." josh said, walking onto campus grounds.

i dialed her number in my phone and asked her about it.

"hey, tyler!" she greeted, her voice warm to my ears and making me smile.

"hi, jocelyne. can you help me?"

i listened to what jocelyne told me to do, josh offering to come with me. i politely declined, not wanting him to miss his classes because of me, but it would be nice not doing this alone. i sat down with my college advisor, she was short and blonde, a bit aged – i'd say around mid-fifties, early sixties. she looked really nice, though, so that gave me a little confidence boost to ask her about it.

"hello, tyler. i'm ellyn. what can i do for you today?" she asked, pulling her glasses down so that they hung around her neck.

"hi, ellyn. i'm here to talk about switching college majors." i said, trying to sound as polite as possible. this could either make me or break me.

"oh, yes. what are you interested in?" ellyn asked, looking through a stack of papers.

"music. i'm in the forensics program right now, but i think i'd enjoy music more." i shrugged.

"okay. here." she pulled out a file from the desk cabinet and handed me a paper that had the word "music" written in bold letters at the top.

it was a list of the many minors that i could choose from. they had everything from collaborative piano to music composition. i pointed my finger at music performance, showing ellyn.

"i'd like this minor, please."

"sure thing. i'll get this running with the music director today. i'll push it for you, try to get it to you by the end of the day."

"really? i thought it takes weeks." i said more to myself.

"it does, but you seem like a very nice person. what are your pronouns, if you don't mind?" ellyn asked, catching me off guard with the question. "i just don't want to misgender, is all."

and i smiled.

"i'm a guy, yes." i said. "thank you for making sure of that. really."

it's not everyday when you find someone who's willing to call you by your pronouns. everyone just assumes you're a straight female/male until proven otherwise, but i was grateful that ellyn wanted to correctly label beforehand. simple things like that made me believe that there were a lot of good people still around. we began talking about my interests to make sure that i wasn't going into the wrong major, but we were still in ellyn's office during lunch and my stomach was starting to betray me.

i really wish i had food earlier.

"yes, it helps if you have sixty or more credits, but-"

ellyn stopped talking when she heard a knock on the door, telling the person to come inside. i smiled upon seeing josh enter the room, greeting ellyn and kneeling down next to me in the chair, lowering his voice a little.

"i know you didn't have food this morning and you're probably starving, so here. i just got you a six inch with no peppers or onions. there's a cookie in there, too."

he noticed ellyn looking at him and smiled sheepishly, handing me the bag.

"sorry to interrupt, mrs. calix." he waved and left, shutting the door behind him.

"is that your boyfriend?" ellyn asked, smiling.

"yeah." i blushed and nodded, clutching the subway bag in my hands.

"he must really love you. anyone with eyes could see that."

"he does. i love him, too."

"is he in music?" she asked.

"no, he majors in art."

she nodded, writing something down on her paper before we began talking again, my mind only focused on the sandwich. i was hungry as all hell, and i'm sure ellyn wouldn't mind if my stomach would stop making whale noises while she was speaking to me. it took the whole freaking day, but i was finally able to go home after the last class of the afternoon.

"here's my number," ellyn handed me a piece of paper, "call me if you don't get the form of your major switch being official by nine tonight."

"will do. thank you so much, ellyn. really." i said, overjoyed that i'd finally be able to study music and hopefully be with my friends.

"anytime."

she smiled, and with that, i left the office. i felt extremely happy, hoping that the paper would get here in the morning at least. i walked into the front, my classes ended and it was only 3pm.

"ty!"

josh called me from across the area, waving his arms excitedly towards me. he ran up to me and before i knew it, i was scooped up into his arms and twirled around.

"ah! josh!" i shrieked, clinging onto his neck in fear of him dropping me.

he nuzzled into my neck and hugged me tight, making me giggle from the tickling sensation.

"that tickles." i said, making him nuzzle into my neck again, causing me to laugh this time.

"get off me, you dork." i smiled, pulling back just enough so that i could look at him.

"why are you so happy?" i asked, my hands still around his neck.

"i missed you." he shrugged. "just a little."

"but you saw me two hours ago." i said.

"you're no fun." he pouted.

i leaned forward and pressed my lips to his, just because. he smiled into it, pulling my body flush to his and holding my waist. i pulled back slightly to ghost my mouth over his, wanting to tease him a bit, and just when he began to move his hands from my hips-

"ew, get a room, you two hoes." brendon called, laughing and walking towards us.

"brendon!" i groaned, hiding my blushing face in josh's neck.

"what are you two doing for new year's?" brendon asked.

"are we still hanging out with the others?" i asked, looking up at him. i wanted to follow tradition.

"if you're down, i am, too."

"let's go, then."

"you comin'?" brendon asked josh.

"i'll go." josh said, looking behind brendon to see a brunette guy on the taller side, blue-grey eyes focused on the one person next to us.

"who's that?" i asked quietly, brendon turning around.

"dallon, hey!" brendon greeted, turning to his friends.

"guys, this is dallon from music. dallon, this is josh and tyler." brendon had an _extra_ happy smile on his face, making me squint my eyes.

is this a new boyfriend he hasn't told me about? what is going on?

"hey, nice to meet you. is he coming on new year's?" i asked brendon.

"yeah, he's coming. if that's okay?"

"no, yeah, it's all good." i said, nodding at dallon. he gave me a small smile before brendon said goodbye and walked off with him, laughing loudly at something he said.

i looked at josh, who had a confused expression on his face.

"are those two a thing?" he asked, pointing to them.

"i don't think s- oh. okay."

"are they really doing that here? on campus?" josh asked, making a face and looking at the couple that didn't even make it past the gates.

"i could see his tongue from here, oh my god, let's go." i grabbed josh's hand and led him away from brendon and dallon, ready to ring brendon a new asshole for not telling me about dallon.

you think you know a guy, jeez.


	20. cliffs

"you guys are so lucky mrs. peabody said it was okay." pete said, dragging his suitcase into the apartment.

i smiled at him, leaning on the counter.

"i know. i'm surprised mr. salmon said yes, too. he's super strict." i said.

mr. salmon was my music teacher. yes, i got the files in the mail at 9am sharp on thursday and josh and i threw a small party. and by small, i mean _small._ he literally just made my favorite food and we watched netflix, but it's the thought that counts.

i could honestly say i was the happiest i could ever be right now, academic-wise.

for new year's, though, we were planning on having a get together, but pete insisted we go to his parent's beach house and hang out. i haven't been away in a few weeks, why not?

"we're just waiting on...who?" josh asked from the couch.

"patrick forgot something, joe should be here soon, and brendon i think is coming with dallon." pete listed.

andy snickered at pete's statement, josh scoffing and throwing a couch cushion.

"you're gross." he playfully shook his head, earning a glare from andy.

we heard a knock on the door, pete opening it.

"pete, it's not at the house." he said frantically.

"pat, it's okay. we will find it when he get back." pete rested his hands on patrick's shoulders.

"no, pete! i need it!"

"what is it?" i asked, grabbing a banana off of the counter.

"something very important!" patrick said, running a hand through his hair.

"it's his freaking fedora." pete rolled his eyes towards me, turning back to pat.

"i need it."

"you _need_ food and water. you're fine. look, here's brallon." pete said, peeking his head out the door.

brendon walked in, greeting us with a duffel bag around his shoulder. dallon on the other hand, had two suitcases and a backpack.

"dall, we're only gonna be gone three days." i said.

"i know. i couldn't even fit everything in here."

i blinked at him, nodding and continuing to eat my banana.

"where the hell is joe?" andy asked.

"here!" joe's hair was disheveled, panting slightly with a small duffel bag in his hands. "sorry i'm late."

"let's go!" josh shouted, getting off of the couch and grabbing his suitcase.

...

pete told us about a small cliff that was just above a pool of water somewhere in the island next to the beach.

i wasn't one to go hiking voluntarily, but they promised to get ice cream after this and let's be honest; who's going to pass up that chance? i followed them down the small creek behind the trees, the cliff just ahead of us. i heard rushing water and birds chirping, the air a bit humid, but the sun was shining.

"there!" pete said, running towards the cliff.

it was beautiful. it was right above the lower ground of the forest, exotic flowers scattered on the evergreen and birds flying just above the trees. just under us was a waterfall, lightly rushing into a pond of blue water. rocks were closer to the shore, but other than that, it was pretty deep.

"is it safe?" i asked, looking down at the ground.

"probably." pete shrugged, setting his stuff down by the cliff.

and by stuff, he just brought a pack of oreo cookies for josh and water in case we got thirsty.

"okay. who's going fi-"

"geronimo!" brendon yelled, jumping off of the cliff and cannonballing into the water, splashing loudly.

josh looked at dallon and shrugged, both of them following him into the water. i laughed at them, brendon's floppy hair in his face when he came back up.

"tyler, come on in! the water's fine!" he shouted, dipping himself back under again.

"is it cold?" i asked.

"no!"

"i'm going in." i said, heart beating fast.

holy fuck, what if i jumped too far and hit a rock? what if i drowned?

"on second thought, nah." i said, sitting down.

"why not?" josh asked.

"what if i drown?"

"you don't know how to swim?" patrick asked, tilting his head.

"i do, but i'm scared."

"here, i'll jump in with you." andy said, gesturing for me to get back up.

"okay."

i sighed, this isn't hard. it's not like i'm skydiving of something. i could do this.

i backed up, andy right next to me. we both ran towards the edge, me jumping slightly. i looked to my right and saw nothing but tree.

goddammit, andy. i've been lied to twice and it's only been five minutes.

i splashed into the water, coldness chilling my bones as i laughed. that was amazing. adrenaline pumped through my blood and i poked my head through the surface, smiling up at the guys above me.

"yeah, thanks for jumping with me, andy." i joked, rolling my eyes.

he smiled and gave me a thumbs up.

"look out below!" pete shouted, jumping into the water.

patrick followed, then andy and joe. we were all in the water by this point, splashing each other and laughing at the looks we gave one another.

if this is what having a group of friends is, and i mean _real, true_ friends, they were perfect. i was geniunely having fun, something that rarely happens to me anymore. i couldn't imagine myself spending a vacation with any other group of people but these guys right here. we were like a family, and i wouldn't trade that for the world.


	21. pilots (the title i am so sorry)

"guys, hurry up! 2016 is coming in fourty-five seconds!" pete shouted from the bonfire, taking a swig of his beer.

andy and i raced to the fire, meeting the others in the circle. we had gone inside to get more beers, but we almost missed the countdown.

"could you believe we'll be starting a whole new year together?" i asked, the realization dawning on me and making me smile.

"i know. i can't believe i'm spending it with you dorks." pete smiled. "i love you guys."

"yeah, yeah." patrick rolled his eyes, leaning his head on pete's shoulder.

"twenty seconds." joe checked his phone.

i looked out into the navy waves crashing against the shore. the moon was shining brighly on the water, creating glimmers every so often when the waves would move. josh scooted closer to me, throwing an arm around my shoulders.

"six!" andy shouted, a smile adorning his features.

"five!" joe followed, his eyes holding excitement.

"four!" pete looked at patrick, glancing at his lips.

"tyler, you know i love you, right?" josh asked, mouth tugging into a smirk.

"kiss me, you fool." i rolled my eyes, leaning up to meet his lips.

the voices of the others were drowned out, and i could only focus on this moment. a whole year passed, full of hardships and achievements. things seemed hard at first, but i was glad i was able to surive a year of college. sure, i had three more to go, but that just meant three more years until i was free to do whatever i was wanted.

i was kissing this boy that i've grown to love more than anything in such a short period of time. from his fading, pink hair to his beat up converse, josh was that piece that completed my crazy puzzle.

life is good.

i was here with the most amazing person ever.

i was studying to become a musician later.

i had the best friends i could ask for, and on top of that,

i know what it feels like to be loved.

and i don't think anything could beat that.


End file.
